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As many threads on here are about bad news and it is Easter I thought rather than a good news thread I would start a thread to add a little humour. So here are some anecdotes that hopefully may brighten your day.
The Eyes have it – always look on the bright side of life
I suffer from an eye disease named Keratoconus (KC for short) This is a thinning Cornea. However whilst it is serious there is a lighter side to it. I was relaying to my family recently some things that have happened and they were in hysterics, so I thought I would share those experiences and bring a bit of light relief to an otherwise busy and stressful world we live in
Just before Xmas I tore the cornea in my left eye. This has meant that for 4 months now I haven’t been able to put in my contacts for more than a couple of hours at a time (Glasses have little or no effect so I cannot wear them)
Anyway I recently went to the opthalmacist in Valencia. I walked into the opticians and said “I need my eyes testing”
Yes you do”, said the girl “This is a newsagents”
When I got the right place the young girl on reception took me to an examination room to be tested. I sat down in the chair and she asked me where I could read to on the chart. In all seriousness I said – “What chart”. All I could see was a white light patch on the wall and I could barely see the wall.
She asked me to read the top line (one very large letter). I said “I just told you I cannot see the chart, how do you think I am going to see a letter. “
Then she said – “Your eyes are pretty bad then”
“Well I wouldn’t be here if they weren’t would I?”
Then it was my turn to see the specialist. I sat there and she asked me to explain what the problem was. So I told her in great detail (having suffered from KC since I was 16 I am very clued up on it and can give a good account of the problem). After my recital, she said
“Why are you here seeing me?”
“Well you are an eye specialist – are you not?”
“Yes but I deal with retinas – why did you ask to see me.”
“I didn’t ask to see you – the girl brought me in here – I have never met you before nor in honesty can I see you that well so I don’t know if I know you or not. I just assumed that because I explained to the girl why I was here I would be shown to the right specialist. ”
Anyway about ten minutes later I finally got to see the cornea specialist. He had a look at my eyes and said “Did you know you have Keratoconus”. –No shit Sherlock. He also told me it was in a very advanced stage – which I knew – hence the reason I could see bugger all with my lenses out.
Well at least we were making progress. He put me on this machine which measures the amount of cornea you have left. Afterwards it generates a computer image of your eye in multi colour 3d. Now bear in mind I couldn’t see a 1M high chart from 2M away he then asked me to look at the screen (I was sitting 1M away) and he will explain the problem.
LOOK AT THE SCREEN. I could barely see the damned thing let alone see any detail. When he said “You are at an advanced stage and need a transplant in one eye because I don’t think you can see much –
I needed to get a specialist opinion to tell me I cannot see?
The other thing that I noticed was that looking around, all the staff were wearing glasses. I don’t know if they were promoting what they sell or not but it was very strange. And the specialist who saw me had these glasses on that were thicker than the last ones I had, they were like to the bottom of coke bottles.
Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.
After that I was in my shared accommodation (I shared with 2 couples and another single guy). I started doing some cooking and was wondering why it wasn’t heating up. The gas was definitely on, so what was the problem. Then my landlady came into the kitchen and asked if that was meant to be there. Had no idea what she was talking about so I picked up the pan and am looking in the pan for something suspicious. Then she says “no this plate on the cooker. “
On top of the gas ring there was a glass plate which was obviously stopping any heat getting through. She thought it was a British method of cooking. I went to pick it off but she had already beaten me to it with a wet cloth. But I could say “No don’t do that” She already did and the plate exploded into 1.000s of tiny pieces.
After I had finished I turned off the cooker made sure the light was out and went to eat. About half an hour later she came knocking on my door in distress. Apparently I hadn’t put the gas out I had turned it the wrong way and the light had gone out but the gas hadn’t. Her boyfriend nearly went in to the kitchen cigarette in mouth when he smelled something funny – ie Gas. So he put out his cigarette and went in,
I nearly blew the place up.
However there was an upside. We take it in turns to clean the place. On my first turn doing so, I apparently left half the dirt on the floor (because I couldn’t see it of course – well that’s my story) and then cleaning the bathroom I used what was the kitchen cloth to clean the bath. So after that and the exploding plate incident she said she would do my cleaning for me.
But I am also part of a KC forum and the stories I hear on there make me realise I am not so badly off after all. It has never affected me (until recently) that bad but there are people who are registered disabled because of it, have real problems at night and many other horror stories, so I thank God that I am not so badly affected.
And the moral of the story is simple.
No matter what your problems, moans and groans, there is always someone worse off than you. Rather than complain about things why not try to see the lighter side
Your day will be much better because of it
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When I first tore my cornea I was inundated with messages of Sympathy (which I do not like) until I started relaying the stories I told here. After that it just kept going and at least they were able to feel comfortable about the situation – now when we have dinner on a Sunday my family ask me what have I been up to recently.
The latest was yesterday evening. Scampy – my dog – is a small mongrel (but looks like a King Charles). Yesterday I was telling him to get in his bed and wondering why he was disobeying me. I took two steps closer to realise that I was talking to my camera case and not the dog. He was sitting puzzled in his bed wondering why I was telling him to get to bed when he was already in wagging his tail profusely
One other thing that happened recently and I am sure many of you can relate to this. I am forever putting down my mobile phone and not remembering where I put it.
The other day my parents came round to see me. As I was going out the door I realised I didn’t have my telephone with me. So I went to try and find it. Couldn’t see it anywhere.
No problem though I will just call it. So I did. The ring was behind me – so it must be in the kitchen. Nope not there – still ringing behind – must be the dining room. Nope couldn’t find it there either, it couldn’t be in the front room cos thats where I was when I first heard it.
It took me about 5 minutes of running through the house turning everything over in my path to realise that it was….
In my back pocket!!
Well did I feel a fool.
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A few years ago I worked in London for a software company and we were involved in a major project for a bank
It was for a large Dealing room – Nat West Capital Markets – they were having Windows NT installed.
Everyone was under immense pressure to finish the job on time because this was being launched in time for the Big Bang. So working late was essential to ensure the job got done.
One evening the phone rang and I picked up the phone.
“Hello” I said
The vice on the other end says“That is a completely unprofessional way to answer the phone. You should have said ‘ good ecening this is Nat West Capital Markets. Do you know who I am?
To which i replied – “No I have no idea”
“I am the dealing room Director and I expect a little bit of professionalism”
Well you can imagine I was not in the best of moods. Working late every night, under immense stress to get things prepared for this very guy then some cheese with nothing better to do telling me I am unprofessional – I was employed as an engineer not as a telephonist.
Anyway I snapped back “BUT do YOU know who I am?”
“No” says the voice at the other end
“Well F&*k Off then” and put the phone down.
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This one is not about me but I thought it was hilarious and figured it is Easter so I would share it with you all.
Have a very happy Easter and I hope the year ahead brings everyone what they want – new house, money back, development finished or whatever. Enjoy and keep Smiling because it makes everyone wonder what you’re thinking.
Back to work on Tuesday I promise.
Vince
This is a letter sent to a store member of Wal Mart about her husbands behaviour since his retirement. Scary thing is I have done some of these (obviously many years ago)
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble
your husband has caused.All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO: Mr. Bill Fenton – Complaints
15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s cart when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute
intervals.3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
‘Code 3’ in housewares….. and watched what happened.5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on
layaway.6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding
department.8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
“Mission Impossible” theme.12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” -
Hi Vince – thought I’d join you for a little bit of Easter fun re. two things that happened to me this morning (your thread was perfect timing!).
First thing today, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished, I was shaking my toothbrush rather rigorously up and down when on one of the upward movements the wet slippery toothbrush left my hand – arched gracefully into the air, and I could do nothing but stare in disbelief as it paused midair before descending straight into the toilet.
After my shower, still lamenting the loss of my relatively-new toothbrush, I suppose I wasn’t really concentrating. Reached out for my deoderent and promptly squirted a tennis ball-size lump of hair mousse under my left arm pit.
They say things come in threes, so for the moment I’m keeping out of the bathroom……
HAPPY EASTER 😀 -
Hi Vince
Think this type of thread was tried once before and was called the good news thread.(massive hits on the thread)
As you say a sence of humour is what anyone posting will need as there are many people that just may like to here some good news.Good luck with it mate and am 100% happy to support it.
Regards
Jim 😀
Happy Easter to you all 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 -
Great stories Vince! A Humour thread is a good idea.
I was sorry to hear about your eyesight problem…I knew there must have been a reason for the shade of “blue” on the walls of your flat in Hindhead!!!! 😆
I am also impressed at your speed of typing. Your posts would have taken me hours to do!! I’m not joking! 😳
Hope you are having an enjoyable Easter. The weather here is wonderful!Regards,
Claire
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Hi Claire
the shades of Blue were just my personality (you don’t mention the Zingy yellow in the bedroom and hallway)
As for my typing – when you have bad eyesight you tend to memory type (hence the reason why I generally have a lot of smelling pisstakes)
However as I said I have lived with it most of my adult life and it doesn’t really bother me (just at the moment it does because I cannot use my lenses) so no need to be sorry (unless of course it was down to you in the first place lol)
Anyway I hope that this thread injects a bit of humour as today is a bit miserable with all the rain in Spain (and it isn’t falling on the plain)
Charlie hope you don’t get your third disaster
Oneof my previous girlfriends always wanted me to go shopping with her (food shopping) she soon stopped though. When we went to the checkout after paying for the food I said –
“Arent you going to pay for the rest of the stuff as well?
The look on the cashiers face. And then I said quietly to the cashier
“It is difficult for the family we have to keep coming out with her to make sure she pays for everything”
Needless to say I wasn’t invited shopping again (oh boo hoo)
But lets hear some more life stories as fact is often stranger than fiction.
Best wishes
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Vince -
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Hi Charlie
you’re right – I have just posted a new thread. However here is another one (it isn’t actually true but I thought it was funny)
Pulled Up For Speeding
A few weeks ago I was driving on the road between Gandia and Ontinyent when I was pulled over by the Guardia Civil
I asked them if there was a problem to which I was told I was speeding. As is normal I was asked for my driving licence and vehicle documents. To which I answered I didn’t have one – as I lost last year drink driving. Obviously he looked pretty grim so he asked for my vehicle registration documents. I said I thought I saw it in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there let me just check
“A Gun” He said.
“Yes , “ I said, “I used it to kill the owner because he wouldn’t give me his car, he’s in the boot if you want to see”.
Well there was a flurry of activity and he called for back up. About 5 minutes later a very high ranking official pulled over – and I stepped out of the car.
“Is there a problem” I asked.
“Yes, one of my officers told me you have stolen this car”
“What” I said, “You are joking right?”
“No sir could you please show me your vehicle documents and drivers licence.”
So I duly did, he checked my documents, I showed him my passport and he said. Mmm He also said you have a gun in the glove compartment can you please open it” So I did – nothing in there but CD’s
Very strange” Said the senior officer, Could you also open the boot please” which I did and showed him nothing but a few tools, and a few Inland Traders.
“This is very strange indeed” said the senior officer. “My officer said you stole the car, shot the owner and put the body in the trunk”
“Well” I said “ I bet the lying b’stard told you I was speeding as well”
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