Reply To: Its the weekend – time for some humour


Hi All

Dont you wish that you had written this?

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to

understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and

telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back

1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on

what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every

Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I

have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you

still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with

contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I

watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the

government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will

keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one

with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s

my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports

I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill

before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and

all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the

electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our

lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in

on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was

Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if

that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between

and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house,

you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of

Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin

Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just

to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of

week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get

another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to

the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to

have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new

passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make

sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with

our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on

the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile

in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten

at the Ministry of Defence inLondon. I have had security clearances which

allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime

Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been

doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the


However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am —

you know, someone like my doctor… who, before he got his medical degree
months ago ….


Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

Just Frank 8)