Its the weekend – time for some humour

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This topic contains 384 replies, has 47 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of angie angie 3 years, 11 months ago.

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  • #52823
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hope you all have a great weekend. If you are looking to buy out in Spain then I wish you great success. Here somethings to make you laugh

    Vince

    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

    The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

    The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.

    The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling “SPIT IT OUT YOU Barsteward! SPIT IT OUT!!!!”

  • #71066
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    George Phillips of Gandia was going up to bed when his wife
    told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
    see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the Guardia Civil, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

    George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

    Within five minutes three Guardia Civil cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot
    them!”

    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

  • #71067
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    The Stowaway

    A young woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier crying.

    He took pity on her and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy”.

    The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

    “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

    “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

    “He sure is, lady,” the Captain said. “This is the Gosport Ferry.”

  • #71072
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Gates vs. GM

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

    In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

    6. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

    7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    8. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operatein the same manner as the old car.

    10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

  • #71082
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Some interesting quotes

    “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

    “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

    “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

  • #71084
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Bloke walks into a pet shop and asks the owner can I buy a wasp.

    Pet shop owner replies we don’t sell wasp’s

    Bloke replies Well I saw one in the window yesterday

  • #71092
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    That one was the ONLY joke my aunt ever told – she only knew the one and I laughed every time she told it

  • #71095
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    Don’t know if it’s an old one but a spanish woman told me this:

    You are in a room with a Tiger, a rattlesnake and a Lawyer, you have two bullets in a gun what do you do…shoot the lawyer twice!

    Sorry Drakan 🙂

  • #71096
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    It’s taken me 2 hours to work out the wasp joke – I thought it must mean something complicated to do with ladies corsets 🙄 – never heard it before – the penny has finally dropped & now I can’t stop laughing.

    Pinched this from another site – nothing more beautiful & funny than a child’s honesty:

    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

    The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born.

    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
    bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the
    first place….hit him again”.

    😆 😆 😆

  • #71097
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
    class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying
    to gather the building materials for his home. She read …

    “and so the pig went up to the man with the
    wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have
    some of that straw to build my house?”

    The teacher paused then asked the class:
    “And what do you think the man said?”

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly…”Ithink the man would have said

    “Well, f*** me!! A talking pig!”
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

  • #71098
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Have you heard the one about the Irish woodworm that was found dead in a brick? 🙄

  • #71099
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Every time I switch my laptop on it says ‘Wireless connection not connected’. I’ve been trying to sort it out but to no avail. I asked a computer buff friend of mine “how am I supposed to attach my radio to my laptop?”. He said “What on earth are you talking about”, so I said “Every time I switch my laptop on it says……………….”.

    Now I am apparently a complete joke amongst his many IT friends, but I still don’t know what it means ❗

  • #71108
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

    Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

    The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

    “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles.

    At least I thought there wasn’t.” he stated in a phone interview.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

    “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

    “That was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he was just…… pumping away at this pumpkin.”

    Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?” He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

    “A pumpkin? F–k me, is it midnight already?”

  • #71510
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Just had some good news 🙂

    Andelusian Dream Homes have just emailed me.
    They have just had four people cancel a viewing trip on the 7th May
    which was £249.00 per person.
    I can have the 4 days ,3 nights for guess what ? £99,00 each
    Is that a deal or is that a deal. ❓
    This is exclusive for me you understand not withstanding it probably went to thousands of others.
    Must just be my lucky day I suppose.

    Have a good weekend

    Jim 😀

  • #71310
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Just had some good news 🙂

    Andelusian Dream Homes have just emailed me.
    They have just had four people cancel a viewing trip on the 7th May
    which was £249.00 per person.
    I can have the 4 days ,3 nights for guess what ? £99,00 each
    Is that a deal or is that a deal. ❓
    This is exclusive for me you understand not withstanding it probably went to thousands of others.
    Must just be my lucky day I suppose.

    Have a good weekend

    Jim 😀

  • #71516
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Jim

    ADH have La Reserva on their website. If you do go over (please don’t sign anything ❗ ) get them to take you there as an interested buyer & report back to us. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there are some people living where they should not, if you know what I mean ❓
    😉

  • #71316
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Jim

    ADH have La Reserva on their website. If you do go over (please don’t sign anything ❗ ) get them to take you there as an interested buyer & report back to us. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there are some people living where they should not, if you know what I mean ❓
    😉

  • #71529
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    ………..thanks for the jokes folks, made my morning.

    Three male Labrador Retrievers — one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting In the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation.

    The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, “So why are you here?”
    The brown Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

    The black Lab said, “So what is the vet going to do?” “Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

    The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab
    And asked, “Why are you here?”
    The yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
    owner’s couch.”

    “So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab inquired.”Looks like I’m losing my nuts too”. The dejected yellow Lab said.

    The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, “Why are you here?”
    “I’m a humper,” the black Lab said. “I’ll hump anything I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.” Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
    bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away”.

    The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, nuts off for you too, huh?”

    “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped. …”

  • #71329
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    ………..thanks for the jokes folks, made my morning.

    Three male Labrador Retrievers — one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting In the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation.

    The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, “So why are you here?”
    The brown Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

    The black Lab said, “So what is the vet going to do?” “Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

    The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab
    And asked, “Why are you here?”
    The yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
    owner’s couch.”

    “So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab inquired.”Looks like I’m losing my nuts too”. The dejected yellow Lab said.

    The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, “Why are you here?”
    “I’m a humper,” the black Lab said. “I’ll hump anything I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.” Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
    bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away”.

    The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, nuts off for you too, huh?”

    “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped. …”

  • #71538
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Oh I do Gal 🙂

    I do fancy a holiday and cant get the flights for that at the moment and giving them the runaround with what we know now does appeal.
    You, Claire,Charlie,and Goodstich44 would be great if not ❓

    Regards
    Jim 😀

  • #71338
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Oh I do Gal 🙂

    I do fancy a holiday and cant get the flights for that at the moment and giving them the runaround with what we know now does appeal.
    You, Claire,Charlie,and Goodstich44 would be great if not ❓

    Regards
    Jim 😀

  • #71556
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Great jokes guys!! 😆 😆 😆

  • #71365
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Great jokes guys!! 😆 😆 😆

  • #71559
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    > >>
    > >> WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH…………
    > >>
    > >> 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
    > >>
    > >> 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING
    > >> OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE
    > >> MOVE AROUND.
    > >>
    > >> 3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS
    > >> AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
    > >>
    > >> 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
    > >> MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE
    > >> JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
    > >>
    > >>5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE
    > >> LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
    > >>
    > >> 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A
    > >> NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”
    > >>
    > >>7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
    > >>SITTING NEXT TO US.
    > >>
    > >> 8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD
    > >> AT IT.
    > >>
    > >>9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY
    > >> GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
    > >> NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
    > >>
    > >> 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
    > >> LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR(or the mop?)
    > >>
    > >> 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
    > >> ON IT.
    > >>
    > >> 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR
    > >> FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
    > >>
    > >>SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE
    > >>FUN. MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES . LIKE YOU PROBABLY
    > >>DID….SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE

  • #71371
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    > >>
    > >> WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH…………
    > >>
    > >> 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
    > >>
    > >> 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING
    > >> OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE
    > >> MOVE AROUND.
    > >>
    > >> 3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS
    > >> AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
    > >>
    > >> 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
    > >> MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE
    > >> JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
    > >>
    > >>5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE
    > >> LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
    > >>
    > >> 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A
    > >> NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”
    > >>
    > >>7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
    > >>SITTING NEXT TO US.
    > >>
    > >> 8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD
    > >> AT IT.
    > >>
    > >>9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY
    > >> GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
    > >> NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
    > >>
    > >> 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
    > >> LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR(or the mop?)
    > >>
    > >> 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
    > >> ON IT.
    > >>
    > >> 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR
    > >> FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
    > >>
    > >>SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE
    > >>FUN. MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES . LIKE YOU PROBABLY
    > >>DID….SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE

  • #71560
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93.

    The worst part was getting him into the coffin………….

    They put his left leg in…………

    that’s when the f*****g trouble started !!

  • #71373
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93.

    The worst part was getting him into the coffin………….

    They put his left leg in…………

    that’s when the f*****g trouble started !!

  • #71562
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

    The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronizing smirk, asked: “Runway too short”?

    To which I replied. “I’m late for work”

    To which he asked, “What do you do?”

    “I’m a rectum stretcher,” I responded.

    The policeman was surprised and confused.

    “A what”

    “A rectum stretcher”

    “and just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

    “Well,” I said “I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it’s about 6 feet”

    Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”

    To which I politely replied, “You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge…”

    Speeding ticket: £105,

    Court Costs: £45,

    Look on copper’s face: Priceless….

  • #71377
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

    The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronizing smirk, asked: “Runway too short”?

    To which I replied. “I’m late for work”

    To which he asked, “What do you do?”

    “I’m a rectum stretcher,” I responded.

    The policeman was surprised and confused.

    “A what”

    “A rectum stretcher”

    “and just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

    “Well,” I said “I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it’s about 6 feet”

    Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”

    To which I politely replied, “You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge…”

    Speeding ticket: £105,

    Court Costs: £45,

    Look on copper’s face: Priceless….

  • #71563
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
    employees and has the following statistics?

    29 have been accused of spouse abuse

    7 have been arrested for fraud

    19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

    117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

    3 have done time for assault

    71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

    14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

    8 have been arrested for shoplifting

    21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

    84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

    Which organisation is this?

    It’s the 635 members of the British House of Commons, the same group that
    cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us
    in line.

  • #71379
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
    employees and has the following statistics?

    29 have been accused of spouse abuse

    7 have been arrested for fraud

    19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

    117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

    3 have done time for assault

    71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

    14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

    8 have been arrested for shoplifting

    21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

    84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

    Which organisation is this?

    It’s the 635 members of the British House of Commons, the same group that
    cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us
    in line.

  • #71564
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    My husbands gonna love that one Jim!! (policeman) Problem is, with all these jokes, I hear him in the study… roaring with laughter….and I cannot get on the pc!! 😉

  • #71381
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    My husbands gonna love that one Jim!! (policeman) Problem is, with all these jokes, I hear him in the study… roaring with laughter….and I cannot get on the pc!! 😉

  • #71565
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    >>A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from

    >>her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    >>

    >>”Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £3,000 loan to take a holiday.”

    >>

    >>Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog

    >>says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that

    >>it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

    >>

    >>Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some

    >>collateral.

    >>

    >>The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain

    >>elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    >>

    >>Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the

    >>bank manager and

    >>disappears into a back office.

    >>

    >>She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit

    >>Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow

    >>£3,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

    >>

    >>She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is

    >>this?”

    >>

    >>(you’re gonna love this)

    >>

    >>

    >>(its a real treat)

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>(a masterpiece)

    >>

    >>

    >>(wait for it)

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>The bank manager

    >>looks back at her and says…

    >>

    >>”It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old

    >>man’s a Rolling Stone.”

    >>

    >>

    >>(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are……..)

  • #71383
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    >>A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from

    >>her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    >>

    >>”Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £3,000 loan to take a holiday.”

    >>

    >>Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog

    >>says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that

    >>it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

    >>

    >>Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some

    >>collateral.

    >>

    >>The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain

    >>elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    >>

    >>Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the

    >>bank manager and

    >>disappears into a back office.

    >>

    >>She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit

    >>Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow

    >>£3,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

    >>

    >>She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is

    >>this?”

    >>

    >>(you’re gonna love this)

    >>

    >>

    >>(its a real treat)

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>(a masterpiece)

    >>

    >>

    >>(wait for it)

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >>The bank manager

    >>looks back at her and says…

    >>

    >>”It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old

    >>man’s a Rolling Stone.”

    >>

    >>

    >>(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are……..)

  • #71566
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don’t have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

    About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

    Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don’t always come out the way you want them to……..

    Someone wrote on a bit of paper ” PENIS STUCK “

    Now that you’ve smiled at least once today, it’s your turn to send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)… We all need to smile every once in a while.

  • #71385
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don’t have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

    About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

    Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don’t always come out the way you want them to……..

    Someone wrote on a bit of paper ” PENIS STUCK “

    Now that you’ve smiled at least once today, it’s your turn to send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)… We all need to smile every once in a while.

  • #71567
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All .

    I like this one ?

    Dad went out hunting deer and successfully brought hope a prime example for the Sunday gathering of the family and neighbours.

    After cooking the joint Mum thought it a good idea to play a game which was to test the clan to see who could identify what meat they were eating

    Pork said the Grandad

    Beef said the Preist

    Chicken said Nancy

    Lamb said the Teacher

    Pheasent said Auntie Maud

    Mum pipes up, Auntie Maud is in the right area of sorts so I will give you a clue as your dish of the day.

    What does Mummy call Daddy everyday

    A long silence and little Billy shouts out !!!!!!!!!

    OH NO EVERY BODY WE ARE EATING “ F–KING ASSHOLE”

    “” “”””

  • #71387
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All .

    I like this one ?

    Dad went out hunting deer and successfully brought hope a prime example for the Sunday gathering of the family and neighbours.

    After cooking the joint Mum thought it a good idea to play a game which was to test the clan to see who could identify what meat they were eating

    Pork said the Grandad

    Beef said the Preist

    Chicken said Nancy

    Lamb said the Teacher

    Pheasent said Auntie Maud

    Mum pipes up, Auntie Maud is in the right area of sorts so I will give you a clue as your dish of the day.

    What does Mummy call Daddy everyday

    A long silence and little Billy shouts out !!!!!!!!!

    OH NO EVERY BODY WE ARE EATING “ F–KING ASSHOLE”

    “” “”””

  • #71569
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Now Jim…shouldn’t you be outside preparing Sunday lunch on the B-B-Q for your family while your wife sits and relaxes with a jug of Pimms? 😉 😀

  • #71391
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Now Jim…shouldn’t you be outside preparing Sunday lunch on the B-B-Q for your family while your wife sits and relaxes with a jug of Pimms? 😉 😀

  • #71570
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Have a good weekend 😀

    The Taxman

    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit

    the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to

    the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do

    with the candle drippings?”

    “Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back

    to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

    candles.”

    Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

    question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

    “What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the

    crumbs?”

    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying

    to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send

    them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a

    free box of bread wafers.”

    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

    the know – it – all Rabbi.

    “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover

    foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save

    all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a

    year they send us a complete prick.”

  • #71393
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Have a good weekend 😀

    The Taxman

    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit

    the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to

    the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do

    with the candle drippings?”

    “Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back

    to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

    candles.”

    Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

    question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

    “What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the

    crumbs?”

    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying

    to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send

    them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a

    free box of bread wafers.”

    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

    the know – it – all Rabbi.

    “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover

    foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save

    all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a

    year they send us a complete prick.”

  • #71581
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    What do you call three thousand lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean?
    A good start!

  • #71415
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    What do you call three thousand lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean?
    A good start!

  • #71585
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Katy… 😆 😆 😆

  • #71423
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Katy… 😆 😆 😆

  • #71624
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The Police had set up a speed trap by the bridge and were there for most of the day – but without success. Unfortunately word got round that there was a speed trap and no-one was speeding.

    However just before tea time a red ferrari comes racing round the corner at 70mph in a 30 zone. You could almost feel the police rubbing their hands together in glee.

    They motioned the driver to pull over. He did so and wound his window down

    The officer then said

    “We’ve been waiting all day for you sonny”

    to which the man replied

    “Well I got here as fast as I could”

    This is actually a true story and the man got let off because the officer couldn’t stop laughing Just shows the police have a sense of humour too

  • #71640
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Victor ?
    Jokes are supposed to be for the weekend
    Oh what the hell as looking at the other thread think some may need cheering up..

    Subject: Scottish Wedding

    Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

    “Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…

    Archie nods approvingly.

    “Havens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.

    “A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “that’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that!

    “And what’s the tartan?” Archie then enquires.

    “Och,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white…”

    Regards

    Jim 😀

  • #71822
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Weekends approaching so here goes

    Practice Safe Fax

    Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
    A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

    Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
    A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

    Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo’s to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
    A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

    Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
    A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

    Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
    A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their needs become too great.

    Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
    A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

    Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
    A. Don’t panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

    Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
    A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

    Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
    A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

    Q. There is a man I’d very much like to fax (I’ve tried several times) but he can’t seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
    A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

  • #71823
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Well the eyes have been playing up again recently and here are two incidents that had me in hysterics this week.

    I have been clearing out my house and cleaning up (A Belated Spring Clean). Whilst doing so I noticed a small furry thing which about the size of a golf ball speed across the floor. THen it just stopped as if to look at me, so I approached it with the brush raised abouve mu head ready to give uit the scare of its life, when I realised that it was in fact a fur ball from my dog that had been blown acrooss the room due to the fact that the door was open and it was windy.

    Then one day this week I was coming into the living room and noticed the little toe rag of a dog of mine (hes gorgeous really) sitting on the sofa. One thing I do not allow is for him to be on the sofa. I was furious and shouted at him to get off. only to realise it was my jumper curled into a ball

    Thankfully he still just looks at me as if to say – “Who are you kidding?”

    By the way just wanted to let everyone know that I have a CD up and coming = the music is about ready and the vocals are about to be started this next month or so. Will post when it is ready if anyone is interested – it is in the style “Kick Assed Chilled Out Rock” a kind of U2 meets Pink Floyd in Ibiza.

    Have a great weekend

    Vince

  • #71824
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Not Your Typical Blonde Joke

    A Blonde grl was sitting on a plane next to a Solicitor. She wanted to go to sleep but he wanted to talk. He said to her

    “Look why dont we play this little hame. I aslk you a question and if you get it wrong you give me €5. You ask me a question and if I get it wrong I give you €500.

    At this she perked up. S

    So the solicitor went first.

    “What is the capital pf Borneo?”

    The blonde immediately pulled out €5 and gave it to the solicitor. Then she said “What goes up a hill with four legs and comes back down with 3?”

    After ten minutes of perplexing the solicitor reaches into his pocket and pulls out €500 and gives it to the blonde.

    Then he says “So what does go up a hill with 4 legs and comes back down with 3?”

    To which the blonde reached into her purse and pulled out €5

  • #71825
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A True Story

    Many years ago I worked for a company that specialised in call centres – setting up the technology etc. We were responsible for developing the first truly integrated call centre integrating web technology and telephone for Hewlett Packard for their UNIX customer support centre.

    Whilst there I heard this story.

    A man called into the call centre and got through to – we shall call her Lucy.

    “My computer doesn’t work” He says

    “Ok,”” says Lucy ” what seems to be the problem?”

    “There is nothing on the screen”

    “Is it plugged in?” says Lucy

    “Do you think I am stupid – of course it is plugged in”

    “Ok sir, is there a light on the monitor”

    “Not that I can see”

    “Is the cable plugged in correctly at the back?” Says Lucy

    “I don’t know I cant see it”

    “Why not”, says Lucy

    “Well because since we had the pwoer cut we have no lights – God you people.”

    “Ok sir now I think I know the problem. What you need to do is box it up, and take it back to the supplier who sold it to you. “

    “Is it broken then”

    “No sir you are just too dumb to use a computer.”

    The poor girl actually got fired for this – personally I think she should have been promoted

  • #71826
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Another one I heard whilst doing some work for Microsoft.

    Someone called the call centre. The agent answered and the person said

    “I have pressed F1 and I am still waiting for help”

  • #71827
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Jimmy was getting married and his dad went round to see him before his big day to pass on some fatherly advice.

    “Jim my boy,” he said, “when your mum and I married we got to the wedding bed and there we were. I threw my trousers to her and said”

    “Put these on”

    “She said they were too big and she couldn’t wear them”

    “Thats right,” I said, “I wear the trousers in this house.”

    ” and we have been fine ever since”

    “Ok Dad”, says Jim, “I will try your advice.”

    On his wedding night, sally is getting her clothes off and they are ready for the off when Jimmy throws his trousers at her

    “Put these on” he says

    “Don’t be silly Jimmy, they are far too big for me, I cant wear them”

    “Thats right ” says Jimmy, “I wear the trousers int his house and don’t forget it”

    Then Sally throws her knickers to Jimmy and says

    “Try these on for size”

    He did but they were far too small

    “I cant get into your knickers,” says Jimmy

    “Thats right ” Says Sally, “and unless you change your attitude you never will”

  • #71830
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    CHINESE SICK LEAVE
    Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I
    really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
    work.”
    The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
    today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
    sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel
    great. I be at work soon………

    You got nice house.” 😀

  • #71831
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says :

    “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

    The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on “But it’s going to be alright. We have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. The bloke perks up at this. “But it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch”.

    “So,” the doctor says,” it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. You’d better discuss it with your wife. What I mean is this. If you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit shocked. On the other hand, if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision.”

    So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day.

    “So” says the doctor “Have you spoken with your wife?”

    “I have “says the bloke.

    “And has she helped you in making the decision?”

    “She has” says the bloke.

    “And what is it?” asks the doctor.

    The bloke looks up and says…………………..

    .

    “We’re having a new kitchen”.

  • #71832
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I am not responsible for the above jokes! 😳

  • #71833
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a
    duck, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
    tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
    I’m going to retrieve it.”

    The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over
    here.”

    The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
    United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and
    take everything you own.

    The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we
    settle disputes in Texas . We settle small disagreements like this with the
    ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

    The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

    The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land,
    first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
    and forth until someone gives up.”

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
    that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
    the attorney.

    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work
    boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

    His second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer lose his early morning
    breakfast.

    The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to
    his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
    feet.

    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, Now it’s my
    turn.”

    The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the
    duck.”

  • #71834
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
    all use a little more calmness in our lives.

    By following simple advice I heard on Coast FM today, you too can find inner peace.
    The DJ said “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished.”

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 St Miguel, a bottle of Absolute Vodka, the remainder of my old Prozac
    prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of
    chocolates.

    You have no idea how good I feel.

    I felt the need to pass this on to you guys since you might be feeling the need for some inner peace – especially if you have been having problems with developers,lawyers/estate agents or just life in general

    Enjoy your weekend

  • #71835
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I’m sure the ladies will like this one!

    What Do You Do All Day?

    A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in
    the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

    The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the
    dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the
    throw rug was wadded against one wall.

    In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with
    toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He
    was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

    He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

    As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a
    novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

    She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

    “Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

    She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

  • #71836
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    “Inner Peace” is very funny Vince!! 😆

  • #71837
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, ” In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice.”

    The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, “Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.”

    The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says, “In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.

  • #71838
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

    She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

    When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: “Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

    “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

    “We just love the chocolate around them.”

  • #71840
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

    The nun who is driving says to the other, “Quick! Show him your cross.”

    So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “Get off our f*cking car.”

  • #71843
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This one is for you Jim, me ol’ mucker:

    There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

    The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”

    The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

  • #71846
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Goody Weekend.

    Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

    His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen) were sent for.

    Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, Seamus said “Yep, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.

    So the mortician rolled him over.

    Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy”.

    The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

    Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”.

    The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”

    “What…………. he had two arseholes?????” said the mortician. “How do you know that!”

    “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.”

    “Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes…..”

  • #71847
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THE CRUISE
    >
    >DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
    >I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all
    >my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
    >______________________________________________________
    >DEAR DIARY DAY TWO
    >We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some
    >whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be.
    >I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
    >______________________________________________________
    >DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
    >I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle
    >boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck.
    >The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
    >I felt honoured and we had a
    >wonderful time. He
    >is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
    >______________________________________________________
    >DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
    >Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain
    >invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a
    >luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
    >He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
    >I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
    >______________________________________________________
    >DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
    >Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned.
    >I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside.
    >The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
    >He really is a charming gentleman.
    >He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined.
    >He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with
    >me,
    >he would sink the ship.
    >
    >I was appalled.
    >______________________________________________________
    >
    >DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
    >I saved 1600 lives today……..4 times
    >______________________

  • #71848
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    One day – way back when – I was driving down the A1 (in the UK) and my car broke down, I pulled over by the side of the road, put the bonnet up and was looking for what the problem might be. My knowledge of cars is limited so it was nice to hear someone say

    “Its your alternator”

    After banging my head on the bonnet having leapt up quickly as I didnt hear a car pull up, I looked around to see no-one at all. Very strange I thought.

    So I got back to it.

    “I’m telling you its your alternator”

    I leapt u[ again -= and could see no-one around. I wa sjust about to look back under thebonnet when a horse in the field next to me said

    “You wont believe me but its your alternator”

    Well I was flabbergasted. A talking horse. I was so excited I had to tell someone. I saw a farm down the dirt track about half a mile away.

    I ran to it as fast as I could. Tripping up on the way, picking myself up dusting myself down and finally getting to the front door.

    I excitedly banged on the door. After about two minutes and old farmer came out

    “Yes sonny”, He said, “What can I do for you?”

    You’re never gonna believe this,” I said, and I relayed the story to him.

    He thought about it for a while and said

    “Was it an old grey horse”

    Yes thats the one, I said

    Take no notice of him – he knows nothing about cars.

  • #71866
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A Clever Man Knows

    That it is important to find

    1. A Beautiful woman who is an enthusiastic lover and always willing to experiment
    2. A Woman that is a good housekeeper and never needs help with the chores
    3. A Woman who is independently wealthy and can look after herself
    4. A Woman who is great company and knows the importance of football.

    It is also important that these four women never meet each other.

  • #71867
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Vince this is my version!!!! 😉

    A Clever Women Knows.

    That it is imperative to find.
    1. A man who is an enthusiastic lover but knows his limitations!
    2. A man that is a good provider and always helps with the chores.
    3. A man who is wealthy and never asks “how much?!!!”
    4. A man who is great company and loves SHOPPING!

    The chances of these four men ever meeting is as rare as a black diamond. They probably don’t exist!!! 😉

  • #71868
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Three men died and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

    The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.

    To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

    To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

    To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

    A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”

  • #71869
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

    He immediately called his bank manager and his lawyer to his room. He asked the bank manager to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

    After standing for some time, the bank manager asked “What do you want me to do?” “Nothing. Just stand there.”

    A while later, the lawyer asked “What do you want me to do?” “Nothing. Just stand there.”

    As the hours wore on, the bank manager and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, they again asked “Why are we standing here?”

    “Well,” said the old man, “Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I’d do the same!

    (…..another lawyer joke for you, Katy 😉 )

  • #71870
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    😆 😆

  • #71871
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thought this news item was worthy of the ‘humour thread’

    The ex Mayor of Pego has entered prison
    May 2, 2007

    “Carlos Pascual was sentenced to six years for environmental crimes in the Pego-Oliva Wetlands Natural Park

    The former Mayor of Pego, Carlos Pascual, arrived at the Picassent prison on Wednesday morning to complete his six year prison term for environmental crimes committed in the Pego-Oliva Wetlands Natural Park. The crimes took place between 1996 and 1998 and affected 600 hectares of the park, when water levels were depleted and vegetation was burnt off.

    Pascual was also found guilty of assaulting the park’s manager, Vicente Urios, and was ordered to pay a fine of 7,920 €”.

    and this is the punch-line………

    “The court has turned down Pascual’s application for a pardon on grounds of ill health”……………

    ‘A pardon…’???
    They really think the law is not for them, don’t they!
    Next, it will be ex-Mayor of Marbella, Julián Muñoz (who has just started a hunger-strike) who will no doubt apply for a pardon because he’s hungry. 😯

  • #71881
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Charlie

    as I live about 10 minutes form the very Marshlands he destroyed he should in fact be hung drawn and quartered for what he has done. He has (and his council) devastated an area of natural beauty – close by we have a Safari park (yes a real one) So imho I don’t think six years is enough – especially as he has no doubt got his cash stashed away somewhere fromt he developers that he helped.

  • #71882
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Claire, that was a classic about the Aussie and the South African, heres a shorty,

    Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says ” Is this a joke ? “

  • #71883
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    😆

  • #71983
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @charlie wrote:

    Next, it will be ex-Mayor of Marbella, Julián Muñoz (who has just started a hunger-strike) who will no doubt apply for a pardon because he’s hungry. 😯

    Just a follow-up:

    “Julián Muñoz, one of the two ex Marbella Mayors arrested in the Malaya corruption case, decided on Thursday to end the hunger strike he started on Friday last week at the prison in Jaén.

    He decided to take in solids after six days on liquids. Reports say that he lost 2 kilos during his protest”.

    Six days on liquids??? That’s cheating, Julian !!
    At least you can write your ‘prison book’ now – “The Munoz Diet” 😆

  • #71984
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

    Americans are NOT stupid, with subtitles. ❓

  • #71992
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    The munoz diet sounds good a it’s so short, by the look of him a few weeks would have been better 🙂

  • #71997
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Antibarney – your link is gobsmacking.

    And the scary thing is their President makes these guys seem like Einstein.
    At least it helps us understand why the (informed) American public can elect such a man.

    Hiroshima famous for Sumo wrestling? What do they learn at school????
    If it all wasn’t so serious, it would be funny…..

  • #71998
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    My husband works for an American company. 🙄 He has a very low opinion of their intelligence..or lack of it!

    (This shouldn’t be on this “Humour thread!!” Off Topic!) 😉

  • #72003
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted ten thousand euros to compromise this case?”

    The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

    “Isn’t it true that you accepted ten thousand euros to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

    Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

    “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

  • #72012
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Brilliant Suzanne! ( only isn’t that a “real life story” 😉 )

  • #72013
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Yes 😆 😆

    But I thought twice about starting a ‘Judgement Day’ thread – think I’m in enough trouble already ❗

  • #72015
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Spain’s Strangest Traffic Offence Yet

    Drivers were surprised to see a motorised bed travelling along the motorway in Ferrol.

    The Spanish newspaper Ideal Gallego reports today on one of the strangest traffic offences ever to be seen in Spain.

    It happened last Friday when drivers on the motorway in Ferrol were surprised to see a disabled man travelling along the road in his motorised bed.

    The paper says that 42 year old Antonio Navarro, who is 95% disabled, and who drives and controls his motorised bed with his mouth, had got drunk and was intending to visit ‘Jade’ a local whorehouse, but took a wrong turning off a local roundabout.

    Police finally stopped him at 9pm after he had travelled some 10 kilometres along the motorway. Once he had taken the wrong exit he decided to continue along the road so as not to put other drivers in danger. Antonio told the paper that signs should be improved on the roundabout and across the town.
    © Copyright 2007 by typicallyspanish.com

    You have to give him 10/10 for determination ❗

  • #72017
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Especially for Vince – please take care ❗

    A chap walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What’s happened to your ears?”
    He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”
    The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
    He says, “Well, boss, I had to call the doctor!”

  • #72018
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thank you Suzanne

    My latest adventure – yesterday I was walking along the beach with the dog and he ran off to a person sitting by the sand dunes – and then bugger me cocked his leg. Really embarrassed I ran up apologising profusely. Imagine my embarrassment when I realised it was a bin I was talking to

    Oh well one day I will get my eyes sorted out – if anyone wants to donate a cornea to a good cause then I have a ready and willing person to accept it – me (actually if you could spare two that would be brilliant.)

    Have a great weekend

    Vince

  • #72022
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @Suzanne wrote:

    Spain’s Strangest Traffic Offence Yet
    You have to give him 10/10 for determination ❗

    I think it’s his sex drive that deserves the 10/10 😯

  • #72178
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

    In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

    Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

    The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

    The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed one and jumped.

    The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

    The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

  • #72183
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hasn’t it been very quiet and dull around here without Ralita’s input, just the same. 😥

  • #72184
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Free Viagra for pensioners
    May 17 (typically Spanish)

    “Possibly the strangest election promise made so far.
    The Partido Andalucista in the Córdoba town of Encinarejo has promised free Viagra to all pensioners if elected.
    The party is however claiming that the policy is only to increase the birth rate in the rural municipality, according to the newspaper 20minutos”.

    Err – hasn’t someone explained ‘the birds and the bees’ to this lot regarding a female pensioner’s ability to give birth ??? Unless they are condoning the old boys in Encinarejo ‘going forth’ and inseminating any young girl that is willing….

    Was interested to read that back in February:
    “Viagra worth 7,300 € has been stolen from a pharmacy in Marbella. Three types of drugs, Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, all used for erectile dysfunction, were taken with 6,500 € in cash from the premises in the Calypso Commercial Centre”.

    Am wondering if the ‘old girls’ from this town commited the crime during a hen-night out in Marbella, fed up with their husbands’ performance. 😀

  • #72245
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    It took me a few moments to get this one 😳

    Three Australians and three Englishmen are going to a football match. At the train station, the three Australians each buy a single and watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them.
    “How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the Australians. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the Englishmen. They all board the train. The Australians take their respective seats but all three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, “Ticket please.”
    The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Australians are mightily impressed, and after the game, to save money, they decide to repeat the Englishmen’s trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen don’t buy a ticket at all.
    “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Australian.
    “Watch and learn,” says one of the Englishmen.
    The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the three Australians pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in which the Australians are hiding, and says, “Ticket please…”

  • #72277
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

    The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

    The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

    The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

    The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

  • #72286
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I know the weekend is over but found these in my mailbox this morning and made me chuckle on a monday morning, especially originating near nr Bristle

    A Bristol girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
    “How many children?” asks the council worker.
    “10″ replies the Bristol girl
    “10?!” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
    “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.”
    “Doesn’t that get confusing?”
    “Naah…” says the Bristol girl “its great because if they are
    out playing in the gurt street I just haves to shout “WAAYNE,
    YER DINNER’S READY!”, or “WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW!, and they all do
    it…”
    “What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
    “Oh, that’s easy,” says the Bristol girl… “I just uses their surnames.”

    A Bristol girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to
    pick up my dress,” she says.
    “Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
    “No,” she replies, “this time it’s gurt mayonnaise.”

    A Bristol Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
    the man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”
    She says “I’ll takes the gurt red one.”
    The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher madam.”

    A Bristol girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
    The paramedics soon arrive on site.
    Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions.”
    Girl: “OK”
    Medic: “What’s your name?”
    Girl: “Sharon.”
    Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
    Sharon: “Yes.”
    Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
    Sharon: ” ‘artcliffe, mate.

    A Bristol girl was driving down the M32 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Alright ar
    Sharon? I just heard on the gurt news that there’s a car goings the wrong way on the gurt M32. Please be careful!”
    “It’s not just one car!” said the Bristol girl, “There’s gurt hundreds of them!”

    Another Bristol girl was involved in a serious crash; There’s blood everywhere.
    The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the floor.
    Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”
    Sharon: “Ok.”
    Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”
    Sharon: “Oh my god I’m gurt paralysed from the waist down!”

    A Bristol girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Bristol girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy
    is wearing. She says, “yer, scuse I mate, I aint being gurt funny or nuffink, but why dooz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on
    it and the uva gurt one’s got an R on it?”
    So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, “Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the
    R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Leftfoot”
    “Blimey”, exclaims the Bristol girl, “So THAT’S why my gurt knickers ‘ave got C&A on them

  • #72287
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    allways good to have a bit of spare cash

    http://www.thinkspain.com/news-spain/13130

  • #72298
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I wonder where the brown envelope was hidden ❓ 🙄

  • #72830
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A man arrives home and presents a bouquet of flowers to his wife. She looks at them suspiciously and says ” I suppose I’ll have to spread my legs for these ?” He answers ” Why, have you no vase ? “

  • #72832
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    To all the sharks in the REA business:

    A turkey is chatting with a bull.
    “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighs the turkey, “but I just haven’t got the energy.”
    “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replies the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
    The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
    Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:
    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

  • #73016
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
    “No,” the coroner replied.
    The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
    The coroner said, “No.”
    “Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
    Again the coroner replied, “No.”
    The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
    The coroner, now tired of the brow beating, said “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

  • #73020
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Qt’s, What do you call 20000 lawyers siting on the sea floor

    Ans, A good start !!

  • #73021
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    Hey! we have had this one, I put it on 🙂

  • #73242
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”

    The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

  • #73243
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

    Once upon a time

    ~~~~~~~~

    in a land far away,

    ~~~~~~~~

    a beautiful, independent,
    self-assured princess

    ~~~~~~~~

    happened upon a frog as she sat
    contemplating ecological issues
    on the shores of an unpolluted pond
    in a verdant meadow near her castle.

    ~~~~~~~~

    The frog hopped into the princess’ lap
    and said: ” Elegant Lady,
    I was once a handsome prince,
    until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

    ~~~~~~~~

    One kiss from you, however,
    and I will turn back
    into the dapper, young prince that I am

    ~~~~~~~~
    and then, my sweet, we can marry

    ~~~~~~~~

    and set up housekeeping in your castle

    ~~~~~~~~

    with my mother,

    ~~~~~~~~

    where you can prepare my meals,

    ~~~~~~~~

    clean my clothes, bear my children,

    ~~~~~~~~

    and forever feel

    grateful and happy doing so. “
    ~~~~~~~~

    That night,
    ~~~~~~~~
    as the princess dined sumptuously
    ~~~~~~~~
    on lightly sauteed frog legs
    ~~~~~~~~
    seasoned in a white wine
    ~~~~~~~
    and onion cream sauce,
    ~~~~~~~~
    she chuckled and thought to herself:
    ~~~~~~~~
    I don’t f****** think so.

  • #73249
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    An excited man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks
    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
    As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
    To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
    Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish
    by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is
    attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts he swipes at two
    chimps with a spade, killing them both.
    What can he do?
    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat
    anything so he hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
    He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
    American Bees.
    As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees he grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what
    to do and throws them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.
    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says
    “What’s the food like here?”
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    Wait For IT ?
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >
    >>>>> >>>> >

    >>>>> >>>> > The lions say, “Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.”
    >>>>
    >>
    >>

  • #73252
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007

    For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

    His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
    The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase so he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Joe told him; “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.

    Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too and I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no bike .

    😀

  • #73254
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

  • #73259
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thank you MrBen, this looks good. Will let you know how I get on with it
    Google translation to Spanish=
    Gracias MrBen, éste parece bueno. Dejarte saber consigo encendido con él

    & back to English=
    Gracias MrBen, this one seems good. Dejarte to know with ignited himself with him

    😯 😆 😆 😆
    This translation business needs very careful handling ❗

  • #73260
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    Great, especially the frogs legs one 8) 😆

  • #73262
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @Suzanne wrote:

    Thank you MrBen, this looks good. Will let you know how I get on with it
    Google translation to Spanish=
    Gracias MrBen, éste parece bueno. Dejarte saber consigo encendido con él

    & back to English=
    Gracias MrBen, this one seems good. Dejarte to know with ignited himself with him

    😯 😆 😆 😆
    This translation business needs very careful handling ❗

    I just love the phrase

    .. ignited himself..

    Hot stuff indeed! 😉

  • #73263
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Spanglais??

    English – Spanish – English translations of well known Beatles (apart from a rogue one) song lyrics
    Just to make it a little harder I’ve replaced any key words (which would give the game away right away) with

    1.) it has been one night hard of the days
    2.) behind in school played again idiot again
    3.) all single people, where she who everything comes from?
    4.) somebody calls to you, you conversation absolutely slowly to the girl of A with the eyes of
    5.) this one is earth control to important tom
    6.) he is a true man of no part seating in his nowhere lands
    7.) you always hurt the one that masters, you do not have to hurt in all
    8.) please the glance of the mailman of the gentleman and considers if there is a letter, a letter for me
    9.) i need to laugh and when the sun is towards outside I have something I can laugh around

    … and lastly, in particularly fine mangled Spanglais… we have

    10.) then we would lie underneath the shady tree the master and it is affectionate I She feels or, she knows
    that she is watching to me very or is so proud to know that she is mine.

    answers on a postcard! 😀

  • #73266
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A RED AMERICAN INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

    There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone.” So named
    Because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
    Not to call Him Onestone.

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
    “If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good
    Morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep
    Into the forest where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love
    To her all the next Day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
    Do.

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
    Woman Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
    Many years.

    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
    Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”
    Onestone Grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
    Her all Day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next
    Day, made Love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

    What is the moral of this story?????……………………….

    OH,
    Come on…take a guess!

    Think about it
    You’re going to love this!)

    And the moral is…

    You can’t kill two birds with one stone!
    SORRY !!

  • #73267
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Subject: The six best smart arsed answer of 2006

    SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
    “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated
    in the front row.
    “What are my choices?” the man asked.
    “Yes or no,” she replied.

    SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
    tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
    Opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without blinking an eyelid she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket
    not your stub!

    SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
    Sainsbury’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her
    family. She asked a passing assistant, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
    The assistant replied, “I’m afraid not, they’re dead.

    SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
    The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
    speeding, rolled down his window.
    “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the bobby said.
    The kid replied, “Yes, well I got here as fast as I could
    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
    way without a ticket.

    SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

    A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up
    that read ” Low Bridge Ahead.”
    Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got
    stuck under it.
    Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and
    said to the driver, “Got stuck, he?”
    The lorry driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
    of petrol!”

    SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s
    final exam.
    “Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being
    here tomorrow
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
    injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s
    it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
    A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and
    Asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from
    complete and utter sexual exhaustion?
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When
    silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, >shook
    her head and sweetly said,

    “Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

  • #73381
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
    husband that my breasts are too small.
    Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
    “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
    paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
    “How long will this take?” I asked.?
    “They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I stopped. “
    Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
    Without missing a beat he says “Worked for you arse didn’t it?”
    He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
    again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
    straw.

    Jim 😀

  • #73537
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    For anyone (old enough to remember) who enjoyed the ‘silliness’ of the unique Tommy Cooper, here are some of his jokes that just might give you a Sunday morning smile.
    Enjoy!

    http://www.mkccc.com/humour/t.htm

  • #73642
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi folks
    this one makes me smile everytime i think about it.

    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?”

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

    “Well, how was it?”

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

    “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

  • #73643
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    whoops………i’m a day early……sorry!

  • #73672
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I was driving to the office the other day and whilst day dreaming I rear ended the car in front.

    To my surpise a dwarf jumped out of the shunted car, “I am not happy” he shouted.

    “ok” I retorted “so which one are you”!

  • #73713
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Just read that someone has given their new home in Spain a name, which is proudly nailed to the front door:
    ‘TUK-SUM-TYME’ ❗

  • #75010
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Its been a while but I thought it was time for some more humour. I received this today and as an ex diver myself I can totally sympathise with the guy

    Go have your best week ever

    Vince

    Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia.
    He performs underwater repairs on offshore Drilling rigs.
    Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
    She then sent it to a radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
    Needless to say, she won.

    Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
    Last week I had a bad day at the office.
    I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it’s not so bad after all.

    Before I can tell you what happened to me, first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

    As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
    So what we do to keep warm is this:

    We have a diesel powered industrial ‘water heater’. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
    It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the side of the suit. I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

    What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

    Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to itch.
    So, of course, I scratched it.
    This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was already done.
    In agony, I realised what had happened.
    The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
    Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it.
    However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

    When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, where all in fits of hysterical laughter.

    I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water compression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

    As I climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got into the chamber.

    Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my arse was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

    Now repeat to yourself “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job”.

  • #75016
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Last week, poor oul’ Pavarotti went straight to Hell.
    The Devil grabs him by the throat, drags him up to Heaven, flings him at the feet of God and says,

    ” Heres the Tenor I owe you.”

  • #75024
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Antibarney 😀

    I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
    I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,

    “Where is the rake?”

    She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

    I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

    Then my wife wasn’t sure and said “What?”

    I repeated the gestures. “Eye – Kneed – The Rake”

    My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to
    her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her
    backside, and finally to her crotch.
    Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

    Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”

    She replies,

    Scroll on – it is worth it, I promise!

    “Eye – Left Tit – Behind – The Bush” !!!! –

    .
    Frank 8)

  • #75026
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Heres another

    This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old
    is.They think so logically.
    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
    She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
    gather the building materials for his home.
    She read, “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
    full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
    straw to build my house?'”

    The teacher paused……then asked the class, “And what do you think
    the man said?”

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly “I think
    the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me! A talking pig!'”

    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

    Frank 8)
    >

  • #75032
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Frank

    They are both brill, me an the wife nearly wet ourselves, and bearing in mind we have all our money with Northen Rock they must be good for us to laugh tonight.

    Thanks

  • #75036
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Steve 6

    Plenty more where they came from. 😀
    Glad you enjoyed them.

    Lifes Just Toooo Short 😀

    Frank 8)

  • #75176
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
    At first, he really didn’t give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
    But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.

    It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.

    Is this your ex-husband?” he nervously asks.
    “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
    “Another boyfriend, then?” he continues.
    “No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
    “Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
    “No, no, no!!!” she answers.
    “Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

    “That’s me 6 months ago”

  • #75195
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The Hinge

    >

    > Derick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so

    > he sent his wife Mavis to the hardware store.

    > At the hardware store, Mavis saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf

    > while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a

    > customer.

    > When Carl was finished, Mavis asked “How much for the teapot?”

    > Carl replied, “That’s silver and it costs £100”

    > “My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mavis exclaimed.

    > Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Derick had sent her to

    > buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

    > From the back room Carl yelled, “Mavis, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

    > Mavis replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

    >

    > This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store.

    Frank 8)

  • #75199
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Here is another 😀

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMEN:

    Take off clothes and place then in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
    the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do
    more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your
    face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash
    entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you

    see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A REAL MAN 😀

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
    a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’
    sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    Wash your bum, leaving those course bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.
    Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
    the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

    Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

    If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
    woo-woo’ sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.

    I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING, CAUSE MOST OF IT’S TRUE!!!!!!!

    Frank

  • #75270
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

  • #75884
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Not for those without a broad sence of humour 😀

    A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
    most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
    second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
    mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
    had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in
    the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she
    was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

    As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
    best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
    before heading to the hospital.

    She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
    cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last
    shop

    She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she
    dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about
    her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted,
    ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re
    proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
    yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive
    Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it
    will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
    rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be
    his carer!’

    The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

    The doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. he’s dead.
    What’d you buy?’

    Frank 8)

  • #75953
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Yes I know its not the weekend yet but after this morning its wishful thinking from me!

    Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years . Finally he found a doctor who could cure the problem. He sat down in the doctor’s office and the doctor said, ” Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. ” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ” That’s what I need… a new suit. ” He entered the shop and told the salesman, ” I’d like a new suit. ” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ” Let’s see… size 44 long. ” Joe laughed, ” That’s right, how did you know? ” ” Been in the business 60 years! ” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ” How about a new shirt? ” Joe thought for a moment and then said, ” Sure. ” The salesman eyed Joe and said, ” Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck. ” Joe was surprised, ” That’s right, how did you know? ” ” Been in the business 60 years ” . Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked about some new underwear? ” He thought for a moment and said, ” Sure. ” The salesman said, ” Let’s see… size 36. ” Joe laughed, ” Ah ha! I got you; I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, ” You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. ” New suit – £ 400 New shirt – £ 30 New underwear – £ 5 Second Opinion – PRICELESS

  • #76018
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The wordpress blog Davicus, has come up with a list of things that, while perfectly normal for the Spanish, take the foreigner some time to come to terms with.
    Once the following on this list no longer surprise you, you can consider yourself to have arrived in Spain.

    You think it’s perfectly acceptable to add lemonade or coca cola to wine.

    You are not surprised that the plumber or electrician has finished his work on time….but simply because he has finished his work.

    You have been in a botellón.

    You think that not kissing someone you have just met twice is a sign of bad manners.

    You are surprised that people start wearing shorts as soon as it’s sunny, instead of waiting until the end of June.

    You think you can add olive oil to any dish.

    You are surprised when the commercial breaks on television end before half an hour.

    You know what a hangover is, and you suffer at least one every weekend.

    You know how to eat boquerones.

    When you see the head of a bull hanging on the wall of a bar you are not surprised, and think it is part of the decoration.

    You eat lunch after 2pm, and never eat dinner before 9pm.

    You are not surprised when all the members of a family, be they male or female, are all called the same.

    You don’t think that there is anything wrong in drinking a couple of beers in the morning.

    You think the floor of a bar is a large rubbish bin, where you can throw your cigarette ends, serviettes and the remains of your prawns.

    You understand that applauding is an art, and not a way to express your approval.

    You know that ensaladilla rusa has nothing to do with Russia.

    You have breakfast on Sunday before going to bed, not when you get up.

  • #76019
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I don’t understand why so many people tend to criticise Bush, intimating that he’s lacking in the brain-cells department.
    How many of you are able to read a children’s book upside down?

  • #76023
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Happened just yesterday whilst viewing a property with clients. As we approached the gates of the property the wife looked at the ceramic tile saying Timbre and exclaimed “what a coincidence that the same name as our friends villa”!!! 😆

  • #76029
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Oh gotta tell you this one.

    Ex-hubby took son to play footie many years ago in Fuengirola. He was merrily watching the action and some of the kids were quite good.
    Especially Aki as he seemed to have the ball all the time as various players kept shouting his name out for him to pass the ball.

    It was only when this was relayed to me in conversation that after wetting myself with laughter I told him that Aki was really aqui (here, here) that they were shouting!

    We still laugh at that one!!!

  • #76100
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Junior School Children Writing About The Sea 😆

    1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)

    2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

    3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7)

    4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

    5) A dolphin breathes through an arshole on the top of its head. (Billy 8

    6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

    7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

    8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6)

    9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.(Amy age 6)

    10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
    (Christopher age 7)

    11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)

    12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8

    13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny.(Julie age 7).

  • #76101
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Some real gems 🙂
    Out if the mouth of babes as they say 😀 😀 😀 😀

    Frank 8)

  • #76184
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    How much time do I have?

    A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
    While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
    Seeing God she asked ‘Is my time up?’
    God said, ‘No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.’
    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
    face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
    She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
    Since she had so much more time to live,
    she figured she might as well make the most of it.
    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
    crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had another
    43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?’

    (You’ll love this)

    God replied: ‘I didn’t bloody recognize you.’

  • #76186
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    😆 😆 😆

  • #76211
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    If any of you are still getting those annoying ‘phone calls from Spanish property agents trying to sell you the next ‘best off-plan investment’, maybe this will give you food for thought to make them finally cross you off their list: 😀

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&eurl=
    (turn on your volume)

  • #76213
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Charlie that’s wonderful, I laughed till I cried, and I think I may have put my back out!

  • #76222
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Tilly – hope your back is OK. 🙁
    If not, maybe this will help…………. 😀

    Exercise Routine

    If you’re over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
    It may be too strenuous for some.

    Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!

    SCROLL DOWN…

    NOW SCROLL UP….

    That’s enough for the first day. Great job !!

    Have a Chocolate.

  • #76226
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thanks Charlie – if I’d known getting fit was that easy I’d have started years ago!

  • #76263
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Did you here that Alistair Darling had phoned one of the radio disk jockey’s with a request for a disk by Elvis “Return to Sender” !!!!!

  • #76264
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    55 Days until Christmas!!!!

    The Time is coming !!Ho Ho HO

    Let it snow!

    ~You have just been hit with an e-mail snow ball!~
    It’s the start of…..
    Snow Ball Fight 2007!!

    One rule to this game….
    You can NOT hit someone who has already hit you!
    Now…
    go out there and get as many people as you can,
    before they get you!
    I got you first! and you can’t get me back!
    Nanee – Nanee – Nanee!
    (hehe)

    We do not stop playing because we grow old;
    we grow old because we stop playing.
    Never Be The First To Get Old!!!!!
    Can’t WAIT for Christmas!!

  • #76283
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    For those who don’t believe that cats actually talk to each other (….and for the translation, click on the second link).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3U0udLH974&feature=related

  • #76317
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Yeah I KNOW its monday but I need the humour!!!

    Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his parents making mad passionate love. His Dad laughs, throws a pillow at him and asks him to leave. A few days later as his Dad is walking along the landing he hears noises coming from his sons bedroom. On entering he sees Johnny giving his gran a right seeing to!

    ‘Whats going on?’ Yells his Dad

    ‘See its not so funny when its your mum!’

  • #76319
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12?

    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

    “Why are there 3 in this package?”

    The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

    “Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?

    “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

    “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….”

  • #76369
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    ‘That’s nice’, she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

  • #76379
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Mrs. O’Casey was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
    with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. O’Casey, and
    didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?”

    She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”

    The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”
    She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”
    The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a
    candle for ye and yer hoosband.”
    She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.” They then parted ways.

    Some years later they met again. The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs.
    O’Casey, how are ye these days?”
    She replied, “Oh , very well, Father!”
    The Father asked, ” And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”

    She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!”

    The Father said, “That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?”

    She replied, “E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.”

    Frank 8)

  • #76675
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THE SHINY NEW BIKE!
    A city copper was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
    girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

    “Nice bike,” the copper said

    Did Santa bring it to you?

    “Yep,” the little girl said, “He sure did!”

    The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £10.00 fine for not having a reflector

    The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”

    The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?”

    “Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.

    The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

    “Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

    Frank 8)

  • #76678
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    All together now…

  • #76686
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Suzanne: Its come to those who wait..

  • #76750
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Three little ducks go into a Bar………………………….

    “Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

    “Huey,” was the reply.

    “How’s your day been, Huey?”

    “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.

    “Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”

    “Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

    “So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.

    “Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself.. What else could a duck want?”

    The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

    “No,” she said, batting her eyelashes.

    “My name is Puddles..”

    Frank 8)
    8) 8)

  • #76757
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi all

    Not a joke but

    Just been listening to BBC news reporting about the NHS and IR losing confidential customer records, the presenter called the whole mess ‘ a dogs breakfast’ and the minister involved has having ‘ egg on his face’, what would the Spanish make of this?do they say anything similiar?

    Steve V

  • #77042
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Frank

    You have had a hard time lately, just to say I love you to bits and agree with much that you say but sometimes its hard to fathom, I reckon you should use less of them round yellow things, are you really Mike Reid from Eastenders HA HA

    Goodnight

  • #77151
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

    FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

    PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes awhile to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

    TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

    HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

    SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

    WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

    TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
    .
    EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

    HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

    THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male,but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying…

    😀

  • #77258
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    NOTICE SEEN ON THE ENTRANCE OF A PARK IN MOZAMBIQUE.

    PROVINCE OF INHARNBANE
    MINISTRY OF FISH + WILD LIFE
    MOZAMBIQUE

    WARNING

    Due to the rising level of human-lion encounters the ministry of fish and wildlife Inharbane branch Mozambique is advising hunters fisherman and any motor cyclists that uses the out of doors recreational or works related functions to take the following precautions while in the bush.

    We advise the outdoorsmen to wear a little but loud bell on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that may be close so not taking them by surprise.
    We also advise anyone should carry a “pepper spray” on him or her in case of encounter with said lion.
    Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh activity and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit,the lion cub shit is smaller with berries and dashier fur.
    Big lion shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.

    ENJOY YOUR STAY IN MOZAMBIQUE

    Frank 8)

  • #77283
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
    86-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

    ‘So what do you think about that Doc ?’

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and
    Then began to tell a story.

    ‘I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
    And never misses a season.’

    One day he was setting off to go hunting.

    In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

    ‘As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

    He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

    Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
    It were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.’

    ‘Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

    Now, what do you think of that ?’ asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said ,
    ‘Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
    Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’

    The doctor replied , ‘My point exactly.’

    Frank 8)

  • #78021
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    From today’s Sunday Times:

    City traders, always quick to see humour in adversity, were swapping jokes about the Société Générale debacle last week. Among favourites were:

    A picture of a stereotypical Frenchman saying “Combien!!???” It was captioned “Soc Gen’s risk manager” mocking the French for their short working hours. It began: ‘Friends of rogue trader Jérôme Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30-hour week. ‘Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch. One colleague said: ‘He was, how you say, un workaholique.’ I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn’t on strike. But Jerome was tied to that desk’

  • #78603
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The best Little Johnny joke ever…….

    Little Johnny’s neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
    without ears.
    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital
    Johnny’s family were invited over to meet the new member of the family.

    Before they left their house,
    Little Johnny’s Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
    His Dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing
    ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came
    back home.

    Little Johnny told his Dad he understood completely.
    When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
    The mother said, why, thank you, little Johnny.” Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet
    and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.

    ” Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.

    Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful, the Doctor said
    he will have 20/20 vision”

    “That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cos he’d be f- cked if he needed glasses.”

    Frank 8)

  • #78672
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    WINDOW REPLACEMENT

    “Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
    double-pane energy-efficient kind.

    Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
    He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago,
    and that I hadn’t paid for them yet.

    Hellloooo? Now just because I’m blonde, doesn’t mean that I am
    automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
    sales guy had told ME last year,namely, that in just ONE YEAR, these
    windows would pay for themselves!

    “Helllooooo” ? (I told him.) “It’s been a year”!

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
    hung up. He hasn’t called back, probably too embarrassed about
    forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won’t underestimate a
    blonde again.”

  • #78833
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING


    DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM !

  • #78931
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Original Message



    From: pauline pearce
    Date: 20/02/2008 01:31:12
    To: david pearce; mandy hewitt; joan barr; jackie bickford
    Subject: FW: From Essex


    Original Message



    From: hjohn wooster
    Date: 02/19/08 23:07:23
    To: mark gaywood; pauline pearce
    Subject: FW: From Essex

    ________________________________________
    Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:17:03 +0000
    From: lesleyhill06@btinternet.com
    Subject: Fwd: FW: From Essex
    To: jbwooster28@hotmail.com; julieandersonash@hotmail.com

    Note: forwarded message attached.
    –Forwarded Message Attachment–
    Subject: FW: From Essex
    Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2008 10:40:45 +0000
    From: Denise@directadhesives.co.uk
    To: lesleyhill06@btinternet.com; lindalindy@aol.com

    This is hilarious!

    Hope these are O.K

    An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
    “How many children?” asks the council worker.
    “10” replies the Essex girl.
    “10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
    “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.”
    “Doesn’t that get confusing?”
    “Naah…” says the Essex girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
    WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
    “What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
    “That’s easy,” says the Essex girl… “I just use their surnames.”

    An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
    “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
    “Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
    “No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

    Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
    The man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”
    She says “I’ll take the red one.”
    The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

    An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
    Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?”
    Girl: “OK”
    Medic: “What’s your name?”
    Girl: “Sharon.”
    Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
    Sharon: “Yes.”
    Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
    Sharon: “Romford, mate.”

    An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her,
    “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”
    “It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s f*cking hundreds of them!”

    Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag
    the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the ground.
    Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”
    Sharon: “Ok.”
    Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”
    Sharon: “Oh my god, I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

    An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
    She says, “Scuse me mate, I ain’t being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it?”
    The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, “Well, I’m a little bit tick you see.
    The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot”
    “Cor blimey”, exclaims the Essex girl, “So THATS why me knickers ‘ave got C&A on them!”

    Frank 8)

  • #79653
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    It’s only 4 seconds long, but a reminder not to let technology overtake you!

  • #79657
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Wash Cloth

    Ladies –
    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
    Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I
    had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
    everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The
    trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.
    >
    As most women do, I like to take extra time to ensure great hygiene when
    making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the
    full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth
    that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
    area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
    clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
    appointment.
    >
    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
    Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
    looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
    some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
    doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’
    I didn’t respond.
    >
    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
    the day was normal … Some shopping, cleaning, cooking etc.After school
    when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
    ‘Mommy, where’s my washcloth?’ I told her to get another one from the
    cupboard. She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it
    had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.’
    >
    Never going back to that doctor. Ever. 😳

  • #79797
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
    He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

    God Bless English Women 😀

  • #79892
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
    there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the
    FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a
    gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter
    what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!”

    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
    The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your
    wife and go home.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
    went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
    with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

    The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions,
    to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
    heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
    the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
    and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is
    loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

    MORAL:

    Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them

  • #80057
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All

    The Bird Feeder

    I bought a bird feeder. I hung
    it on my back porch and filled
    it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.
    Within a
    week we had hundreds of birds
    taking advantage of the
    continuous flow of free and
    easily accessible food.

    >But then the birds started
    building nests in the boards
    of the patio, above the table,
    and next to the barbecue.
    >
    >Then came the bird shit. It was
    everywhere; on the patio tile,
    the chairs, the table …
    everywhere!
    >
    >Then some of the birds
    turned mean. They would
    dive bomb me and try to
    peck me even though I had
    fed them out of my own
    pocket.

    >And others birds were
    boisterous and loud. They
    sat on the feeder and
    squawked and screamed at
    all hours of the day and night
    and demanded that I fill it
    when it got low on food.

    >After a while, I couldn’t even
    sit on my own back porch
    anymore. So I took down the
    bird feeder and in three days
    the birds were gone. I cleaned
    up their mess and took down
    the many nests they had built
    all over the patio.

    >Soon, the back yard was like
    it used to be … quiet, serene
    and no one demanding their
    rights to a free meal.
    >
    >Now let’s see ….
    Our government gives out
    free food, subsidized housing,
    free medical care, and free
    education and allows anyone
    born here to be an automatic
    citizen.

    >Then the illegals came by
    the millions. Suddenly
    our taxes went up to pay for
    free services; small apartments
    are housing 5 or more families; you
    have to wait 6 hours to be seen
    by a doctor in an emergency room
    because it is filled with illegals;
    your child’s 2nd grade class is
    behind other schools because
    over half the class doesn’t speak
    English.

    >Corn Flakes now come in a
    bilingual box; I have to
    ‘press one’ to hear my bank
    talk to me in English, and
    people waving flags other
    than ‘The Union Jack’ are
    squawking and screaming
    in the streets, demanding
    more rights and free liberties.

    >Its just my opinion but:
    maybe, just maybe,
    it’s time for the government
    to take down the damn bird feeder.
    If you agree, pass it on; if not,
    continue cleaning up the shit!

    Just Frank 8)

  • #80076
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Good one! 🙁

  • #80096
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    MOSES AND THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

    God spoke to Moses and said “I have Commandments for you that will make people’s lives better.” So Moses set off to speak to different races.

    First he asked the Arabs and they said, ‘What are Commandments?’ And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.”

    ‘Can you give us an example?’
    “Thou shall not kill.”
    ‘Not kill? We’re not interested.’

    So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
    The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Honor thy Father and Mother.”
    ‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’

    Then He went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.”
    The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Thou shall not steal.”
    ‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

    Then He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”
    The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”
    ‘Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

    Finally, He went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.”
    ‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
    “They’re free.'”
    ‘We’ll take 10.’

    There, that should offend just about everybody.

    Frank 8) “Boldly going where no man gone before.”

  • #80097
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally…..

    ‘Circumcised’

    (this is priceless!)

    A teacher noticed that little Johnny at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

    She went back to find out what was going on.

    He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.

    He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion and a scream at the back of the room.

    She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his willy hanging out.

    I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said.

    I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come to pick me up from school.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #80098
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi
    This is cool if like me you have a simple mind

    1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE AND FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS BELOW:
    http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

    Wait for the lady to appear, then ..

    2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.

    3. WRITE YOUR SURNAME IN THE 2nd LINE.
    [No need to write your email address.]

    4. Press the ‘VISUALIZAR’ bar.

    Unbelievable. Can you explain how this is done ?

    Just Frank 8)

    ________________________________________

  • #80100
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi
    This is cool if like me you have a simple mind or just a big kid 🙂

    1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE AND FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS BELOW:
    http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

    Wait for the lady to appear, then ..

    2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.

    3. WRITE YOUR SURNAME IN THE 2nd LINE.
    [No need to write your email address.]

    4. Press the ‘VISUALIZAR’ bar.

    Unbelievable. Can you explain how this is done ?

    Just Frank 8)

    ________________________________________

  • #80103
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thats 4 for Easter
    Frank 8)

  • #80451
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All
    Hope to enjoy

    WHAT LOVE MEANS TO AGE 4 TO 8 YEAR OLD CHILDREN

    Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
    Touching words from the mouths of babes.
    What does ‘Love’ mean?
    A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does ‘love’ mean?’
    The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

    ________________________________________

    ‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

    So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’
    Rebecca- age 8
    ________________________________________

    ‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
    You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’
    Billy – age 4
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’
    Karl – age 5
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’
    Chrissie – age 6
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’
    Terri – age 4
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’
    Danny – age 7
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
    My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’
    Emily – age 8
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.’
    Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
    ________________________________________

    ‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,’

    Nikka – age 6
    (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’
    Noelle – age 7
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’
    Tommy – age 6
    ________________________________________

    ‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

    He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’
    Cindy – age 8
    ________________________________________

    ‘My mommy loves me more than anybody

    You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’
    Clare – age 6
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’
    Elaine-age 5
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’
    Chris – age 7
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day’
    Mary Ann – age 4
    ________________________________________

    ‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones’
    Lauren – age 4
    ________________________________________

    ‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image)
    Karen – age 7
    ________________________________________

    ‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’
    Mark – age 6
    ________________________________________

    ‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’
    Jessica – age 8
    ________________________________________

    And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a con test he was asked to judge.

    The purpose of the con test was to find the most caring child.

    The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

    Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

    When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
    ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry’
    ________________________________________

    Just Frank 8)

  • #80536
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Good Evening and welcome to a brand new edition of ‘ASYLUM’.

    Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house!
    We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer.
    And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.

    Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British passport and you only need one word of English: ‘ASYLUM’!

    Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

    No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ‘ASYLUM’.

    Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain.
    Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area in Historic Bedfordshire.

    If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won’t cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.

    Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians,>> Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…COME ON DOWN!
    Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don’t stop in Germany or France .Go straight to Britain . And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.

    Everyone’s a winner, when they play ‘ASYLUM’.

    Just Frank 8)

    ________________________________________

  • #80599
    Profile photo of redpip
    redpip
    Participant

    BRILLIANT STUFF, FRANK.

  • #80601
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Redpip
    Just trying to keep peoples peckers up 😆

    Glad you enjoyed

    Just Frank 8)

  • #80934
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

    Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

    If you want to brighten someone’s day, pass this on to someone you know.
    I just did!

    Just Frank

  • #80734
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

    Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

    If you want to brighten someone’s day, pass this on to someone you know.
    I just did!

    Just Frank

  • #81281
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I know it’s not the weekend yet, but we are half way there….
    Below is from a column in the Dail Mail by the excellent Richard Littlejohn. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so close to the truth. 🙁

    So who’s this President Norman Brown guy?

    Gordon Brown flies into Washington today, still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S. despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol last week.

    If he runs true to form, he’ll probably arrive at the White House via the back door, get lost in the corridors on his way to the Oval Office, refuse to have his picture taken with George W. Bush and then fly out – having signed over Bermuda to the Americans without holding a referendum of the colony’s inhabitants.

    Once back home, he’ll deny ever having been there.

    In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. This column tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, for a preview of the visit:

    Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation’s capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let’s cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey.

    Hey, Chad. As you can see, I’m standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.

    So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?

    Well, Chad, he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.

    What, you mean he’s, like, German?

    No, that’s what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.

    And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?

    No, Chad. He’s Labour. President Blair wasn’t a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.

    So how did Brown get the job?

    He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.

    But he won an election, right?

    No, Chad, there wasn’t an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.

    How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it’s not like President Blair was assassinated.

    That’s just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.

    So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?


    Negative, again, Chad. He did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him.


    What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?

    Affirmative, Chad.

    Let me get this straight. His party hasn’t elected him, the country hasn’t elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.

    You could say that, Chad. Norman Brown doesn’t really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.

    Someone must have voted for him, some time.


    Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland.

    He’s Scoddish, then?

    That’s a big Ten-Four, Chad.

    So is he President of Scotlandland, too?

    No, that’s a guy called Alan Salmon.

    Hang on, if Brown’s from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?

    That’s just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad. Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland’s lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.

    That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico.

    I guess so.

    How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that?

    They didn’t. Brown wouldn’t let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party’s manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.

    Couldn’t the Supreme Court have stopped him?

    Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg, where the geese come from.

    Isn’t there any opposition?

    There’s a guy called Boris.

    Sounds Russian.

    I wouldn’t be surprised, Chad. There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.

    What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We’re talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy.

    Far from it, Chad. According to the latest opinion polls, he’s the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush. There’s talk about him having to stand down soon. He’s already promised the job to some guy who works for him – name of Balls.

    Say again, Brit, you’re breaking up.

    Balls.


    You’re damn right there, buddy.

  • #81389
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I know it’s not the weekend yet, but we are half way there….
    Below is from a column in the Dail Mail by the excellent Richard Littlejohn. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so close to the truth. 🙁

    So who’s this President Norman Brown guy?

    Gordon Brown flies into Washington today, still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S. despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol last week.

    If he runs true to form, he’ll probably arrive at the White House via the back door, get lost in the corridors on his way to the Oval Office, refuse to have his picture taken with George W. Bush and then fly out – having signed over Bermuda to the Americans without holding a referendum of the colony’s inhabitants.

    Once back home, he’ll deny ever having been there.

    In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. This column tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, for a preview of the visit:

    Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation’s capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let’s cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey.

    Hey, Chad. As you can see, I’m standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.

    So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?

    Well, Chad, he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.

    What, you mean he’s, like, German?

    No, that’s what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.

    And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?

    No, Chad. He’s Labour. President Blair wasn’t a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.

    So how did Brown get the job?

    He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.

    But he won an election, right?

    No, Chad, there wasn’t an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.

    How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it’s not like President Blair was assassinated.

    That’s just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.

    So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?


    Negative, again, Chad. He did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him.


    What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?

    Affirmative, Chad.

    Let me get this straight. His party hasn’t elected him, the country hasn’t elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.

    You could say that, Chad. Norman Brown doesn’t really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.

    Someone must have voted for him, some time.


    Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland.

    He’s Scoddish, then?

    That’s a big Ten-Four, Chad.

    So is he President of Scotlandland, too?

    No, that’s a guy called Alan Salmon.

    Hang on, if Brown’s from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?

    That’s just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad. Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland’s lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.

    That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico.

    I guess so.

    How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that?

    They didn’t. Brown wouldn’t let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party’s manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.

    Couldn’t the Supreme Court have stopped him?

    Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg, where the geese come from.

    Isn’t there any opposition?

    There’s a guy called Boris.

    Sounds Russian.

    I wouldn’t be surprised, Chad. There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.

    What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We’re talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy.

    Far from it, Chad. According to the latest opinion polls, he’s the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush. There’s talk about him having to stand down soon. He’s already promised the job to some guy who works for him – name of Balls.

    Say again, Brit, you’re breaking up.

    Balls.


    You’re damn right there, buddy.

  • #81430
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so close to the truth.

    Close to the truth? It is the truth! 😥

  • #81494
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All

    An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

    A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

    A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

    The English doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #81506
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    We’ve heard of tours of the homes of the rich and famous in Beverly Hills and beyond. But American Real Estate Agents are now holding foreclosure tours. If Britain really does follow America, how long before open-topped buses are touring London, with guides pointing out all the bargains on offer?

    “Laydeez and gennulmen, welcome, wilkommen and bienvenue aboard the Sub-prime Special, sponsored by Northern Rock. Simultaneous translation into 38 different languages is available via the headsets provided for a modest charge, plus VAT.

    “We are experiencing some turbulence in the financial markets, so please keep your seatbelts fastened at all times.

    “As we travel around today, you will observe a large number of empty pubs for sale, as a result of the Government’s smoking ban, the recent rise in the tax on alcohol and the 100 per cent increase in business rates over the past ten years.

    “This a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to purchase a slice of British history. For instance, as we make our way along Whitehall, on the right you can see Ye Olde Spinne Doctor, formerly the Red Lion, where legend has it that the theory of post-neo-classical endogenous growth was discovered over a few pints of draft Bass.

    “This ancient hostelry is no longer economically viable, since all civil servants have been banned from drinking at lunchtime. It does come with planning permission for conversion into a hostel for asylum seekers.

    “We are also delighted to offer for sale several hundred post offices, which have been closed under the Government’s modernisation programme. These are ideal premises for shops selling fireworks, mobile phones, cut-price cigarettes and booze from Calais, or, indeed, one of those fine establishments where everything costs a pound.

    “Given their prime High Street location, they are also a perfect proposition for any entrepreneur in the human trafficking community planning to open a sauna and massage parlour.

    “But enough of commercial property, we intend today to show you some of the prime residential stock which has come on to the market.

    “We begin at Number 1 Carlton Gardens, St James, the official home of the Foreign Secretary, which is being offered for sale by the Treasury in order to meet a temporary shortfall in the public sector borrowing requirement.

    “It was most recently valued at £20million, but the Chancellor has indicated that no reasonable bid will be refused, especially if the purchaser is prepared to pay cash.

    “Next stop is a lavishly appointed grace-and-favour apartment in historic Admiralty House, just off Trafalgar Square, which used to be occupied by a notorious former Deputy Prime Minister, who was forced to vacate at short notice after being caught in a compromising situation with his diary secretary. It comes with parking space for two Jaguars.

    “Our next property is a mansion in fashionable Primrose Hill, belonging to one of the architects of New Labour. This gentleman has a history of mortgage irregularities and when he paid £2.4 million for the house two years ago, eyebrows were raised at his ability to afford it.

    “His current contract with the European Commission is not being renewed and he is unlikely to be able to make the repayments.

    “The house includes a priceless Philippe Starck toilet bowl and a selection of Brazilian artifacts.

    “We are now entering Connaught Square, at the heart of London’s vibrant Arab Quarter.

    “On your left is the home of a former statesman, whose name I am unable to reveal for security reasons. It has been subject to extensive renovation, but with the owner soon to be arrested on war crimes charges he will not be able to meet his mortgage commitments and is, therefore, offering the property at auction for a quick sale. He is also prepared to throw in two flats in Bristol.

    “Finally we come to the jewel in the crown, the best address in London, No 10 Downing Street.

    “Some elements of refurbishment will be required since there is a hole in the downstairs wall with the adjoining property where someone spent ten years banging on it. The present occupant lives frugally and has not replaced the light fittings and doorknobs which were stripped out by the wife of the previous tenant prior to her departure.

    “The property is no longer needed and the deeds have been signed over to Brussels. The occupant, who is believed to be in America seeking a way out of his financial difficulties, is to be evicted.

    “Fixtures and fittings include a recently-discovered painting by Whistler called The Death Of Prudence.”
    courtesy Richard Littlejohn (Daily Mail)

  • #81511
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Charlie 😆 Great

    THE TIMES – – Letter of the Year:
    A SENIOR MOMENT – (I PRAY TO GOD THAT I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS)
    An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.
    Dear Sir,
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
    I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
    Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    1– To make an appointment to see me.
    2– To query a missing payment.
    3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
    8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
    9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
    Your Humble Client

    Addendum from The Editor:
    IMPORTANT to remember that this letter was written by a lady who is 98 years old. DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!

    Just Frank 8)

  • #81524
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All

    Dont you wish that you had written this?

    Dear Minister,

    I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to

    understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and

    telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
    in

    1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on

    what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every

    Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I

    have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you

    still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with

    contractors working for the government?

    How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I
    am

    watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the

    government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will

    keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

    Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one

    with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s
    on

    my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports

    I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill
    out

    before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and

    all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the

    electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our

    lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
    Maidenhead

    on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was

    Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if

    that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between
    you

    and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house,
    then

    you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of

    Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin

    Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just
    want

    to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of

    week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get

    another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to

    the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to

    have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new

    passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make

    sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with

    our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on

    the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile

    in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

    Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
    years

    at the Ministry of Defence inLondon. I have had security clearances which

    allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime

    Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been

    doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the

    Services.

    However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am —

    you know, someone like my doctor… who, before he got his medical degree
    6
    months ago ….

    WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN !?!?!

    Yours sincerely,

    An Irate British Citizen.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #81527
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
    ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
    ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
    A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

    (THIS GETS BETTER!)

    The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

    The women won.

  • #81536
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Charlie: Your tourist bus has to add another route south of Sloane Square where the Chelsea Barracks has been sold for £ 998,000,000. The most expensive real estate in UK to the state managed Qatari Diar.

    They had money left to bid for Sainsbury.

  • #81543
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Shakeel – goodness, you have brought back happy memories. Many many moons ago, I used to live just off the King’s Road in Chelsea where the barracks are.
    No, I wasn’t part of the Sloane set, just sharing a nine guinea bedsit with a friend. This was the late 60’s.
    One Saturday morning, walking past the barracks with a friend, arms loaded with shopping from Safeways, we saw a poster tied to the barrack’s railings. It had a picture of a ‘city gent’ complete with bowler hat and rolled umbrella hanging on the end of a parachute. The poster said “Want to join us? Come inside and sign up now for the parachute reservists. All members of the public welcome”.

    Having had a little puff of the ‘wacky baccy’ that morning to make the prospect of a Saturday shop more appealing, we both felt at that particular moment that joining the parachute reservists would be a ‘cool’ idea. Dressed, if I remember correctly, in purple velvet flares, a baggy shirt from Bombay, several rows of beads and a shaggy smelly waistcoat made from an Afghani-goat (well, it was the late 60’s), into the barracks we marched.

    Following the signs, we went inside and started to climb the stairs to the 2nd floor. Halfway up my friend suddenly stumbled, dropping his two bags of shopping in the process. Apples, oranges, plums and everything else that could possibly bounce began their way back down the stairs at which point he collapsed with a strong attack of the giggles. Pathetic attempts from me to try and make him ‘sshhhh….’ only resulted in me ending up in the same state.

    Probably because of all the commotion, an army officer suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs. Red with rage, he barked “And what is going on HERE might I ask?”. At this point I think the waccy baccy must have totally taken over because the sight of him in his uniform only caused us to sink into an even greater bout of uncontrolled laughter. By this time I not only had tears streaming down my face from laughing so much, I was also suffering from a violent attack of the hiccups. Despite this, I did finally manage to get it out that we wanted to go parachuting with him – at which point two uniformed chappies appeared from nowhere and ‘escorted’ us back to the gates.

    Ah, happy days. Chelsea barracks – I remember them well.
    For any forum members horrified at my youthful indulgence in a Saturday morning puff of the marijuana kind, I would like to clarify I was only a ‘weekend hippy’.
    During the week I was a very ‘responsible member of society’, working at Scotland Yard as a fingerprint officer. 😉

  • #81832
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi Its Weekend Time 😆

    Subject: Meaty bites diet

    I’ve got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
    Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
    I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.Stupid bitch…why else would I buy dog food??

    Just Frank 8)

  • #81835
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Berlusconi…….washing it down with a cup of coffee. Ugh!

    http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/berlusconi-nose-pick-p1.php

  • #81839
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant
  • #81840
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant
  • #81844
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Bored today so here is my first joke,

    MEN AND WOMEN

    He said . . .. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
    She said .. . You wear pants don’t you?

    He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said . . That’s a good idea – you stand by the
    ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

    He said . .. .. What have you been doing with all the
    grocery money I gave you?
    She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

    On a wall in a ladies room . .. ‘My husband follows
    me everywhere’ Written just below it . ‘ I do not’

    Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
    world does it take to do the dishes?
    A. Both of them.

    Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    A. He buys two cases of beer

    Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    A. The bonds mature.

    Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
    A. So men can remember them.

    Q How many men does it take to change a roll of
    toilet paper ?
    A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

    Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
    husband is every night?
    A.. A widow.

    Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
    A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge
    and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

    Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    A. They’re married.

    Man says to God: ‘God, why did you make woman so beautiful?’
    God says: ‘So you would love her.’
    But God,’ the man says , ‘why did you make her so dumb?’
    God says: ‘So she would love you.’

    Have a good weekend

    Bernie

  • #82148
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    God was out walking around the perimiter of heaven when he noticed that the fence posts on satans side were looking rather shabby, he imediately got on his mobile and demanded that satan come down and inspect the situation. satan eventually arrived and says, what the hell have you called me here for, i’m busy. God was furious, look at the state of those posts on your side of the fence, its your responsibility to maintain them. satan just laughed and said, what are you gonna do about it goddy. well, said God, i’ll phone a solicitor and take you to court.
    the devil just laughed and said, where do you think all the solicitors are?

  • #82227
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All

    Don’t tell me your age; you probably would tell a false one,but I know anyway 😆

    This is pretty neat

    DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

    It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

    Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!

    This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.

    1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to

    go out to eat.

    (more than once but less than 10)

    2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

    3. Add 5

    4. Multiply it by 50

    5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758…

    If you haven’t, add 1757

    6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

    You should have a three digit number

    The first digit of this was your original number. ( I. e., How many times
    you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

    The next two numbers are

    YOUR AGE !


    (Oh YES, it is!)

    Just Frank 8)

  • #82607
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @charlie wrote:

    If someone can’t tell when it’s all just a wind up…….lions and cannibals….. for heaven’s sake…………

    This one is just for Harry – it’s the weekend, turn the volume up, shake your bootie and unwind.
    It’s best to minimise Youtube once music has started, you can then follow the little guy’s steps.

    “For Heaven’s Sake” by the Wu-Tang Clan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDBJXZjmLro

  • #82609
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    To shake HIS bootie, the pole will have to be forcefully removed….can I watch ??

  • #82610
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Careful what you wish for…..he’s a-waiting !!

  • #82621
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    True story taken from the Lyme Regis News:

    Due to the hot weather a school of dolphins have been seen frolicking off the cobb at Lyme. Locals have been swimming out and playing with them. However, one particular local resident was observed to remove his swim suit and behave inappropriately with one of the mammals. His wife became outraged and went for a quickie divorce.

    During the court case the Judge said ‘You have been found guilty of the most outrageous behaviour – below that expected from a civilised member of the Local Community – and as such your wife is leaving you. Have you anything to say?’

    The bemused local replied – I don’t give a stuff about my marriage and besides there’s plenty more fish in the sea.! 😳

  • #82673
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi

    A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
    different emotions e.g. fear etc.

    On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens
    the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
    painted on his chest.

    He says to this guy, ‘Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?’
    The guy says, ‘I’m green with NV’. The host replies, ‘Brilliant come on
    in and have a drink.’

    A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
    to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa
    wrapped around her most intimate parts.

    He says to this woman, ‘Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
    as?’ She replies, ‘I’m tickled pink.’ The host says, ‘I love it, come on
    in and join the party.’

    A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
    host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing
    stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with
    his willy stuck in a pear.

    The host is really shocked and says, ‘What the hell are you both doing?
    You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
    Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?’

    Paddy replies, ‘Well, Oim fookin discustard, and Mick here has just come
    in despair’.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #82871
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Subject: Vicar’s Salary..

    Vicar’s Salary

    The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

    Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and
    proclaims:

    ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and
    his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

    ‘If the Vicar will stay on here I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
    of his children!’

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.’

    There is total silence.

    The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

    ‘Mrs.Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?’

    Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
    forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
    side, while his wife replies:

    ‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘F*** him!’

    Just Frank 8)

  • #82878
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    How many estate agents does it take to change a light bulb??

    Theres nothing wrong with the light bulb and you ll be able to rent it out 40 weeks of the year and it ll increase in value by 30% each year!!!

  • #83022
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I ve been saving nthis joke for when Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson split up so when it does happen, feel free to use it.

    What does Charlotte take when she s got indigestion??

    Gav is gone

  • #83680
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    TOMATO COMPANY WISDOM.

    An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, ‘You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you into the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day…” Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, ‘You must understand that to a company like ours you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.’

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night.

    He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

    At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

    Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail. When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, ‘What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!’ ‘Ha!’ snorts the man. ‘If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.’

    Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, as I did, you’re probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

  • #83975
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

    Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

    Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

    Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

    What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

    So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

    If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

    Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

    Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be left out alone.

    Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

    Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny.

    Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

    If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

    A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night”.

    Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

    Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

    If he asks you if you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.

    When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar.”

  • #83980
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    From my old business partner…

    “I´ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I´ve certainly woken up with a few”!

  • #84286
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This is India.
    IT’S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.

    http://dalesdesigns.net/spaghetti.htm

  • #84086
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This is India.
    IT’S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.

    http://dalesdesigns.net/spaghetti.htm

  • #84862
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Alarm Clock Problem.
    (you need your volumn on for this).

  • #85376
    Profile photo of GJ
    GJ
    Participant

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2t8YTvdYXws

    From the previous houseprice crash in the UK

  • #85379
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D:
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:
    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway I look over at the car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that I brought in earlier.
    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table, put junk mail in the rubbish box under the table and notice the box is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

    But then I think, since I’m going to be near the postbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my cheque book off the table, and see there’s is only one cheque left.

    My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

    I’m going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the Coke aside so I don’t accidentally knock it over.

    The Coke is getting warm, I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye- they need water.

    I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

    I decide I’d better put them back on my desk but first I’m going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize tonight when we go to watch TV I’ll be looking for the remote but won’t remember it’s on the kitchen table so decide to put it back where it belongs – but first I’ll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    the car isn’t washed
    the bills aren’t paid
    there’s a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
    there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
    I can’t find the remote,
    I can’t find my glasses,
    and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys,
    the yard is flooded because someone left the water hose on all day,
    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I’m really baffled because I know
    I was busy all day,
    and I’m really tired.
    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I’ll try to get some help for it,

    but first I’ll check my e-mails…………………. 😉

    Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
    Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

    Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming

  • #85467
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    An idea for those who bought their tv before flat screens were invented

  • #85495
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @chilly wrote:

    I ve been saving nthis joke for when Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson split up so when it does happen, feel free to use it.

    What does Charlotte take when she s got indigestion??

    Gav is gone

    😆

    Sorry my reaction’s rather late but I thought this was a serious forum, never thought it’d have a crazeee side !! Just seen thread. 😳

  • #85686
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

    The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

  • #85824
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant
  • #85825
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    What astonishes me is that Captain Hancock did not get in touch with FB!, Pentagon, stating that he has spotted Bin Laden in a long white robe in the middle of the Irish sea/Atlantic. Claiming, “Ladies and gentleman we got him ………. “

  • #85826
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Apparently this clip re-enacts a true story. In the late ’40s or early ’50s the USS Missouri was off the mid-Atlantic coast when this actually happened.

  • #86627
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    Lawyer Jokes

    What is the difference between a snake lying dead in the Road and a Lawyer lying dead in the Road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

    What do Lawyers and sperm have in common? Both have a one in a million chance of turning out human.

    Why did N. Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps and California get all the Lawyers? Because N:Jersey had the first choice.

  • #86629
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A Man called his house to say hello. Little girl answered.
    Hello sweetie, how was your day at school?
    I had a great day dad.
    Where is your Mom?
    She is upstairs in her room with Uncle Jack.
    The man starts thinking and realized that they don’t have an Uncle Jack.
    Sweetie, can you do me a big favor? Sure Dad.
    Run upstairs, knock at the door and scream “Dad is coming, Dad is coming.
    And come back tell me what happened.

    Hi Dad, I just did, so what happened then asked the man.
    Well Dad, Mom ran out of the room all naked, tripped on the carpet, bumped her head on the wall, and is not moving.
    What happened to Uncle Jack asked the man?
    Well he jumped out of the upstairs window into the pool, but he forgot that you drained the pool last week, he is bleeding, and I think he is dead.

    There was a moment of silence and the man realized that they don’t have a pool, and asked

    Tell me sweetie, what number did I dial?

  • #86819
    Profile photo of Fuengi (Andrew)
    Fuengi (Andrew)
    Participant

    The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. ‘Good God, Daphne! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?’ He demanded.
    ‘Well you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’
    He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, Here’s 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’

    Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee … Her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either. ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers.’
    She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the allowance you give me.’ He reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’

    Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. ‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?’
    She also explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.’
    He reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the Love’o Jaysus ‘n the sake of decency…here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.

  • #86986
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad.’
    With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

    ‘Dear, Dad.
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

    I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

    But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant.
    Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
    Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

    Love,
    Your son, Joshua.

    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house.
    I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.

    Call when it is safe for me to come home 🙂
    ________________________________________

  • #86987
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    deleted. double posted.

  • #86989
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Did you post it twice Claire in case we didn’t get it the first time ❓ 😆

  • #86990
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Noooooooooooooooooo !! 😆 😳

  • #87132
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Monday morning. It’s a long way to the next weekend, so we may need a sense of humour to get us through the week.

    Mark

  • #87144
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    mark

    fantastic!……..poor girl, made my morning.

  • #87145
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Mark: maybe I have lost my sence of humour, but this is all I got.

    _________________

  • #87147
    Profile photo of katy
    katy
    Spectator

    So have I 😕

  • #87148
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    U2 arent very techi!! Copy and paste from the http//www.youtube. part to the right and it works fine. 😀

  • #87157
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    …….i didn’t have to do that even. Just clicked on the video arrow and it played?

    i’m not very ‘techi’ either, so must be a computer glitch i would think, if it’s not working?

  • #87161
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    i didn’t have to do that even. Just clicked on the video arrow and it played?

    Same as you Goodstitch….Just as well as I’m a technophobe!! 😆

  • #87162
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Inez, If I was techi I would breaking into the Hacienda, Judges of Roca, like the person who got into Sarkozy bank account & extracted a few €s

  • #87164
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Yeah, well, Im still working on that one!!! 😆

  • #87224
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Those who do not have a sense of humor need to delete now.

    A middle-aged woman

    Seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

    ‘Come now,’ coaxed the doctor,

    ‘ you’ve been seeing me for years!

    There’s nothing you can’t tell me.’

    ‘This one’s kind of strange…’

    ‘Let me be the judge of that,’ the doctor replied.

    ‘Well,’ she said, ‘yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
    heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
    water was full of pennies.’

    ‘I see.’

    ‘That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
    there were 10 pences in the bowl.’
    ‘That night,’ she went on, ‘I went again,

    Plink-plink-plink, and there were 50 pence coins and this morning there were £1 coins

    You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,’ she implored,

    ‘I’m scared out of my wits!’

    The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
    ‘There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.’

    Ready for this?
    (I’m warning you…..)
    (Still not too late….delete now!)

    “” “”

    “” “”

    ~

    ‘You’re simply going through the change’

    ITS THE WAY I TELL EM 😆

    Lives TOOoooo short 😀

    I may go out of this life broke but we all have to go anyway 😉

    Just Frank 8)

  • #87229
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Good one Frank !!!! 😆

  • #87293
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    It’s not the weekend and this has nothing to do with Spanish property but I think we all deserve a laugh. I hope no-one will be offended by the national stereotypes.

    SOCIALISM

    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
    No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

  • #87296
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    I think it would be humorous if someone tipped that repulsive git Russell Brand and his warped sidekick Jonathan Ross in a slurry pit, then cancelled their tv contracts for their o.t.t. inane joke on Andrew Sachs. 😆

  • #87312
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Mikegrant – brilliant!

    Angie – keep your fingers crossed, the news this morning reported that cancelling their contracts is now being ‘called for’. The money these two earn for their rubbish is nothing other than obsene and insane. How does Ross warrant £6 million a year?

  • #87317
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    angie/charlie

    what they did was out of order, and i feel a full and public apology should have been made within hours. I do feel now though that this has been blown out of all proportion.

    These two do push the boundaries, and thank heavens for that. For people with a broad minded sense of humour, these two can be very entertaining. I don’t think there is light entertainment interviewer to touch JR’s Friday night show at the moment. I wouldn’t want to see them sacked, but they certainly don’t deserve the money they earn in my opinion.

    Hopefully, this incident will make sure they stay just about on the right side of what is acceptable in future?

  • #87318
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Mikegrant

    well done for that. Good fun.

  • #87320
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    goodstich – with respect, would you call it just ‘pushing the boundaries’ if they had publicly broadcast having sex with your daughter, naming her and giggling about it?
    This incident in my opinion was just a step too far and not in my opinion within the ‘boundary’ of humour.

  • #87322
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Three Russians giving a whole new meaning to Pole Dancing.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE-tT4TCb2M

    (it is the weekend isn’t it? 😕 )

  • #87326
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    charlie

    wow, is that video real?

    i agree with you on the other thing, i just wish people would show the same emotion over far more damaging issues.

  • #87327
    Profile photo of Fuengi (Andrew)
    Fuengi (Andrew)
    Participant

    charlie

    what interesting key terms you type into youtube…. 🙂

  • #87332
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi All 😆

    Why We Love Children

    1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

    ‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil..

    ‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.

    ‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

    ‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

    Five minutes later…….’Da-ad….’

    ‘What?’

    ‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’

    ‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’

    Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad……’

    ‘WHAT?’

    ‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’

    ‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’

    Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..’

    ‘WHAT!’

    ‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

    3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’

    The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

    4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’

    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

    ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’

    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

    ‘The big sissy.’

    5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.

    All the children were invited to come forward.

    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress.

    Is it your Easter Dress?’

    The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

    6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

    She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’

    I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’

    ‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

    7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

    He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

    Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’

    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’

    The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’

    ‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked

    ‘Yes,’ he answered.

    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’

    The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’

    The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’

    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

    8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’

    The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’

    One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said:

    ‘F–K Me! A talking chicken!”

    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

    9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’

    Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’

    The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’

    She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

    10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’

    Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’

    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

    If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

    Just Frank 8)

    ________________________________________

  • #87341
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This a story about
    A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
    A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

    There is a moral to this story…..

    In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

    The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

    ‘Gosh…if I go down three inches
    I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.’

    There was a fish in the water thinking,

    ‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
    There was a bear on the shore thinking,

    ‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
    That fish will jump for the fly… And I will grab the fish!!’
    It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
    Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….

    ‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches…
    And that fish leaps for it…
    That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
    I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
    Now, you probably think this is
    Enough activity on one river bank,
    But I can tell you there’s more….
    A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,

    ‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
    And that fish jumps for that fly..
    And that bear grabs for that fish..
    The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
    And drop his cheese sandwich.’
    A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
    (as was fashionable to do on the banks of
    this particular river around lunch time)

    ‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..
    And that fish jumps for that fly
    And that bear grabs for that fish
    And that hunter shoots that bear..
    And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
    Then I can have mouse for lunch.’
    The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
    Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

    The fish swallows the fly…

    The bear grabs the fish..

    The hunter shoots the bear..

    The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…

    The cat jumps for the mouse..
    The mouse ducks…

    The cat falls into the water and drowns.

    NOW, The Moral Of The Story….
    Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

    Some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #87349
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The New Girlfriend

    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his privates, something she seemed to LOVE to do.

    Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’

    She replied, ‘Because I really miss mine.’

    Just Frank 8)

  • #87558
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Especially for those of us stressed out with the excrutiatingly slow Spanish Legal system 😥

    CHEERS ❗

    http://fortypaws.blogspot.com/2008/10/flu-shots.html

  • #87576
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi

    DELETED . We shouldnt use a rude word in a joke as Flosmicheal fears that children are interested in the Spanish Property forum. 😕
    Sorry for any offence it may have caused and thanks for the P/Ms from those that loved it.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #87790
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Subject: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

    JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road… ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

    SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL A** OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chick en to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

    ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

  • #87801
    Profile photo of Paul
    Paul
    Participant

    2 cannibals were eating a clown when one said ‘does this taste funny to you?’

    Poor joke!

  • #88367
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi .Just for the now alls

    Trust me one this.You will not want me flying your plane. 😕

    You really have to know your geography! Have fun & good luck!

    Take the ‘Pilot’s’ test below.

    http://www.lufthansa-usa.com/useugame2007/html/play.html

    Just Frank 8)

    =

  • #88369
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Very good, Frank. I wouldn’t get a job at Lufthansa, but Ryanair are trying to head-hunt me. 😈

  • #88370
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    So its Antibiggles is it then 😆

    Just Frank 8)

  • #88371
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Right
    This is how I am going to practice the flying.so we have the previous for the brain boxes and one for simple and childish minds like me to get hooked on.

    http://flightsimx.archive.amnesia.com.au/

    Now remember you have to fly this plane throught the window and see how far you can fly.
    Kids welcome. 😀

    Just Frank 8)

  • #88373
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    This is brilliant! I cant get the plane through the window though…….. 😕

  • #88375
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Inez. 😆
    Wait till you do.Ha Ha.

    Just Childish Frank 8)

  • #88380
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    I did it, I did it, I did it! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!!!!!!!!

    A few of us have started a league now and IM IN THE LEAD hehehehehe

  • #88381
    Profile photo of GJ
    GJ
    Participant

    I got it through the window!!!! Went 48797 metres 😯 😮 😀

  • #88384
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    G.J
    58,746 . My Daughter 😀

    Enjoy yer weekened and chuffed its bringing some smiles in these times

    Just Frank 8)

    I have more 😉

  • #88385
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Move over amateurs! 69,799m!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • #88386
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    That’s rubbish Inez 😀

    73.391

  • #88387
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Eat your hearts out – 83.672 plus two loop-the-loops

    ….but admittedly came very close to going down the chimney.

  • #88390
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Bugger
    I will email my daughter and her friends now as you lot are being very childish and I thought I was bad enough.
    Me 😯 I can get it past the bloody fan however I have my army of followers 👿
    Ages 6 to 14 . Ah Ha bet yer getting in a panic now 😆

    “We will fight on the beaches but we will never be beaten”

    Just Frank 8)

  • #88392
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Subject: Israeli, German, Russian and English doctors

    An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we
    can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
    him looking for work in six weeks.’

    A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany , we can take a
    lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
    work in four weeks.’

    A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we
    can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have
    them both looking for work in two weeks.’

    The English doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Ha!. We took an
    arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street and half the
    country is looking for work’.

  • #88393
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @Just Frank wrote:

    Me 😯 I can get it past the bloody fan

    It’s all in the wrist action Frank – keep practising. 😉

  • #88397
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Right! Im sulking now till I beat THAT score :mrgreen:

    Must practise my wrist action!!!

  • #88409
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Eat your hearts out – 83.672 plus two loop-the-loops

    Hold onto your hats suckers…………

    84.872 plus two loop-the-loops and a frisby flop.

  • #88411
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Maximus

    Not a Frisby Flop 😯
    I am in awe as I didnt think it possible. 😆

    Inez
    It’s all in the wrist action Frank – keep practising.

    Well I should the best then 😕

    Just Frank 8)

  • #88412
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    “An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we
    can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
    him looking for work in six weeks.”

    Even the “kidneys” they come over from Israel to Turkey to buy ????

  • #88551
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  • #88553
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    From the great Tommy Cooper……………..

    ALL PUNS INTENDED….

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

    The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

    ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

    ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’

    7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’

    ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’

    ‘Is it common ?’

    ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

    Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’

    ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.

    ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

    The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. (I liked this one!)

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

    He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs !’

    The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms !’

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

    A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

    One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam !’

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

    It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

    And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

    Disperse.

    ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.

    ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

    One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’

    The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

    Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins ! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

    Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

    He suffered from bad breath.

    This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) .

    A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

    No pun in ten did.

    BOOM BOOM! Have a great weekend everyone! 😆

  • #89003
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    JACK AND JILL

    Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
    ‘When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,’ he said. ‘I gave them to
    your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t
    possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, of course they’re too big. I wear the trousers in this family
    and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.’

    Jack took his father’s advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his
    trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn’t
    possibly wear them.
    ‘Exactly,’ replied Jack. ‘I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don’t want you to forget that.’
    Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
    ‘Try these on,’ she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
    ‘I can’t possibly get into your knickers,’ said Jack.
    ‘Exactly,’ replied Jill. ‘And if you don’t change your f ***ing attitude, you never will.’

    Go Jill !!!!!!!!!!!!

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89030
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The oldies are often the best

    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

    Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist
    Dr. Chang.

    So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose. ‘ The woman did as she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’
    Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did.
    Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
    Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates..’ Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’
    Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89033
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Subject: A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried.

    ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !’

    And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

    ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!!

    And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

    The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’

    The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

    ‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89054
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Time for an oldie but worth another airing

    > A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: “Father, it’s
    > been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month”.
    >
    > The priest tells the sinner: “You are forgiven. Go out and say three
    > Hail Mary’s.”
    > Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two
    > months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”
    > This time the priest asks: “Who is this Fannie Green?”
    > “A new woman in the neighbourhood” the sinner replies.
    >
    > “Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s”.
    >
    > The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
    > sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
    All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
    >
    > The priest turns to the altar boy and in a hushed tone asks:
    >
    > “Is that Fannie Green?
    >
    > The altar boy replies: “No Father, I think its just the reflection off
    > her shoes”.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89056
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    …..this made me smile on a dull Thursday.

    A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
    They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
    Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality
    gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.
    Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
    His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

    Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves
    and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel
    with the following letter.

    Dear Maggie,
    I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
    If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears
    shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought
    them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
    I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit
    tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.
    In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them
    on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
    again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally
    a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
    I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

    All my love, Chris

    P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

  • #89081
    Profile photo of Melosine
    Melosine
    Participant

    My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’
    I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started…

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our next anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
    I bought her a set of scales… And then the fight started…

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive… so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started…

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your trousers. You might have received disability allowance too.’
    And then the fight started…

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
    ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
    And then the fight started…

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rib-eye steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”
    And then the fight started…

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘ Well your eyesight’s near perfect.’
    And then the fight started…..

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for �14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for �7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream would.
    And then the fight started….

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bum look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started…..

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
    The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
    And then the fight started…..

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the trailer to the car, and proceeded to reverse out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
    And then the fight started …

    I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
    And that’s when the fight started…..

    My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
    “No,” she answered.
    I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
    And that’s when the fight started…………………………..

  • #89083
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    😆 Good post Melosine.

  • #89097
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    God, Melosine, I hope you did nt sit and type all of that

  • #89099
    Profile photo of Melosine
    Melosine
    Participant

    Goodheavens NO 🙄
    Just thought it worthy of passing on.

  • #89112
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Juan Antonio Roca keeps a job at Marbella Town Hall

    If you don’t laugh you’ll go raving MAD 😈

    http://www.typicallyspanish.com/news/publish/article_19574.shtml

  • #89115
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Suzanne

    just confirms what most of us know. Justice in Spain really is a joke. If a crook like this can walk back in to a highly paid job, what hope for decent people?

  • #89116
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Why we should not flirt.
    A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

    He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he behaved when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice ‘chick’ and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

    She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

    ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’

    Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?’

    He replied, ‘I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.’

    ‘You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!’ she said with unashamed sarcasm.

    To which the husband replied,
    ‘Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.

    Just Dan

  • #89438
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of ‘ASYLUM’.
    Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
    HIJACK AN AIRLINER
    and win
    A COUNCIL HOUSE!
    We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer.
    And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.

    Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
    ‘ASYLUM’
    Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
    accosting drivers at traffic lights.
    This competition is open to everyone
    buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

    No application ever refused – reasonable or unreasonable.
    All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
    ‘ASYLUM’
    A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
    £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
    They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ..
    Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

    If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget, there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
    Just apply for legal aid.
    Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
    It won’t cost you a penny.
    It could change your life forever.
    So play today.

    Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
    activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
    bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…
    COME ON DOWN!

    Get along to the airport!
    Get along to the lorry park!
    Get along to the ferry terminal!
    Don’t stop in Germany, France or Spain.
    Go straight to Britain
    And you are:
    GUARANTEED
    to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
    Everyone’s a winner, when they play
    ‘ASYLUM’
    FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW!

    ****************************************************************************

    NEWS FACT: ESTIMATED 350,000 IMMIGRANTS INTO UK IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS.
    NEWS TWO DAYS AGO: 32,000 ILLEGALLY IMMIGRANTS DEPORTED IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS!
    WORK THE SUCCESS RATE OUT FOR YOURSELF!!!

    Just Frank 8)

    ________________________________________

  • #89238
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of ‘ASYLUM’.
    Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
    HIJACK AN AIRLINER
    and win
    A COUNCIL HOUSE!
    We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer.
    And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.

    Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
    ‘ASYLUM’
    Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
    accosting drivers at traffic lights.
    This competition is open to everyone
    buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

    No application ever refused – reasonable or unreasonable.
    All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
    ‘ASYLUM’
    A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
    £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
    They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ..
    Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

    If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget, there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
    Just apply for legal aid.
    Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
    It won’t cost you a penny.
    It could change your life forever.
    So play today.

    Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
    activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
    bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…
    COME ON DOWN!

    Get along to the airport!
    Get along to the lorry park!
    Get along to the ferry terminal!
    Don’t stop in Germany, France or Spain.
    Go straight to Britain
    And you are:
    GUARANTEED
    to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
    Everyone’s a winner, when they play
    ‘ASYLUM’
    FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW!

    ****************************************************************************

    NEWS FACT: ESTIMATED 350,000 IMMIGRANTS INTO UK IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS.
    NEWS TWO DAYS AGO: 32,000 ILLEGALLY IMMIGRANTS DEPORTED IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS!
    WORK THE SUCCESS RATE OUT FOR YOURSELF!!!

    Just Frank 8)

    ________________________________________

  • #89446
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Frank, i know you probably don’t give a flying but you should be careful you don t get done for racism………. stay with me on this.

    a pub landlord in Cardiff put up a sign saying ” NO GYPSIES”

    one of them complained and the landlord was arrested for “RACISM”?????????

    Are Gypo’s a race of people? I always thought they were dirty scrounging parasites who freeload and steal whatever they can, decimate local areas and leave the Council tax payers with the bill to clean up their mess while they move on to the next town.

    Anyway, if gypsies can be a race, then so can asylum seekers, so Frank, be warned

  • #89246
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Frank, i know you probably don’t give a flying but you should be careful you don t get done for racism………. stay with me on this.

    a pub landlord in Cardiff put up a sign saying ” NO GYPSIES”

    one of them complained and the landlord was arrested for “RACISM”?????????

    Are Gypo’s a race of people? I always thought they were dirty scrounging parasites who freeload and steal whatever they can, decimate local areas and leave the Council tax payers with the bill to clean up their mess while they move on to the next town.

    Anyway, if gypsies can be a race, then so can asylum seekers, so Frank, be warned

  • #89447
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Frank: I think I have lost my sense of humour. I blame the Spanish Lawyers & Judges.

  • #89247
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Frank: I think I have lost my sense of humour. I blame the Spanish Lawyers & Judges.

  • #89480
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the London immigration offices.
    ‘My good man,’ the fairy said, ‘I’ve been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.’
    The man told the fairy. ‘Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.’ The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING! — he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
    ‘What else?’ asked the fairy, ‘two more to go.’
    The refugee claimant now got bolder. ‘I need a big house with a three car garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..
    ‘ PING! – In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an upmarket neighbourhood.
    ‘One more wish’, said the fairy, waving her wand. ‘Yes, one more wish.
    I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like an Englishman
    ‘PING! – The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt and baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
    ‘What happened to my new teeth?’ he wailed. ‘Where is my new house?’
    The fairy said ‘Tough luck, Now that you are English,sodding well fend for yourself.’
    And she disappeared!

    CHILLY. DO I LOOK BOFFERED. 😆

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89280
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the London immigration offices.
    ‘My good man,’ the fairy said, ‘I’ve been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.’
    The man told the fairy. ‘Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.’ The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING! — he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
    ‘What else?’ asked the fairy, ‘two more to go.’
    The refugee claimant now got bolder. ‘I need a big house with a three car garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..
    ‘ PING! – In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an upmarket neighbourhood.
    ‘One more wish’, said the fairy, waving her wand. ‘Yes, one more wish.
    I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like an Englishman
    ‘PING! – The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt and baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
    ‘What happened to my new teeth?’ he wailed. ‘Where is my new house?’
    The fairy said ‘Tough luck, Now that you are English,sodding well fend for yourself.’
    And she disappeared!

    CHILLY. DO I LOOK BOFFERED. 😆

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89482
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Second one today 😆

    A Convent School Nun Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ‘Mary, why didn’t you
    raise your hand?’

    ‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
    then who are you a fan of?’

    ‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.

    The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
    Man Utd fan?’

    ‘Because My mum is a Man Utd fan, My dad is a Man Utd fan,My Bothers are Man Utd Fans and so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’

    ‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason
    for you to be a Man Utd fan.

    You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your
    mum was a real slag, your dad was a drug addict and your bothers in jail for armed robbery and rape. What would you be then?’

    ‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.

    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

    They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

    He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s
    Jesus!’

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

    Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
    pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
    pints slowly, one after another.

    After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
    Guinness.

    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God! The
    arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager.

    As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.

    ‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s A
    Miracle.’
    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

    ‘Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.

    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
    Counter and said ‘Hi, I’m looking for a job’.

    The man behind the counter replied ‘Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got
    one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
    nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big black
    Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the
    meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
    Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year’.

    The Scouser said ‘You’re bullsh*tting me!’

    The man behind the counter said ‘Well you started it!’
    Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
    object was discovered in a car.

    It later turned out to be a tax disc

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89282
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Second one today 😆

    A Convent School Nun Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ‘Mary, why didn’t you
    raise your hand?’

    ‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
    then who are you a fan of?’

    ‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.

    The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
    Man Utd fan?’

    ‘Because My mum is a Man Utd fan, My dad is a Man Utd fan,My Bothers are Man Utd Fans and so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’

    ‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason
    for you to be a Man Utd fan.

    You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your
    mum was a real slag, your dad was a drug addict and your bothers in jail for armed robbery and rape. What would you be then?’

    ‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.

    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

    They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

    He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s
    Jesus!’

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

    Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
    pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
    pints slowly, one after another.

    After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
    Guinness.

    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God! The
    arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager.

    As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.

    ‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s A
    Miracle.’
    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

    ‘Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.

    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
    Counter and said ‘Hi, I’m looking for a job’.

    The man behind the counter replied ‘Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got
    one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
    nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big black
    Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the
    meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
    Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year’.

    The Scouser said ‘You’re bullsh*tting me!’

    The man behind the counter said ‘Well you started it!’
    Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
    object was discovered in a car.

    It later turned out to be a tax disc

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89489
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    What do retired people do all day?

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket.

    We went up to him and said ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi saddo. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

    So my wife called him a miserable git. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
    It’s important at our age.

  • #89289
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    What do retired people do all day?

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket.

    We went up to him and said ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi saddo. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

    So my wife called him a miserable git. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
    It’s important at our age.

  • #89369
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

    Dear Walter,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22.

    We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely,

    Sheila

    ******************************

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

    I hope this helps,

    Walter

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89569
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

    Dear Walter,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22.

    We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely,

    Sheila

    ******************************

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

    I hope this helps,

    Walter

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89381
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THREE OLD GUYS

    “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
    “Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
    “Actually,” said the 80-year old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.” “Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
    “No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
    “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
    No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
    “I don’t wake up until 7:00.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89581
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THREE OLD GUYS

    “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
    “Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
    “Actually,” said the 80-year old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.” “Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
    “No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
    “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
    No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
    “I don’t wake up until 7:00.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89389
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    ‘What majestic trees!
    ‘What powerful rivers!
    ‘What beautiful animals!
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him..

    He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

    He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

    He tripped & fell on the ground.

    He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out,
    ‘Oh my God!’

    Time Stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

    ‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’
    ‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

    Am I to count you as a believer?

    The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

    ‘Very well,’ said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
    ‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89589
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    ‘What majestic trees!
    ‘What powerful rivers!
    ‘What beautiful animals!
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him..

    He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

    He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

    He tripped & fell on the ground.

    He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out,
    ‘Oh my God!’

    Time Stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

    ‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’
    ‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

    Am I to count you as a believer?

    The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

    ‘Very well,’ said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
    ‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89734
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Dear Mr Branson

    REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

    I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

    Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

    Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

    I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

    You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

    I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

    Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

    I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

    Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3, above].

    Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

    Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

    By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].

    It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

    I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

    Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5, above].

    I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6, above].

    Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

    My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7, above].

    Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

    Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

    So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

    As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

    Yours Sincererly

    XXXX

    Paul Charles, Virgin’s Director of Corporate Communications, confirmed that Sir Richard Branson had telephoned the author of the letter and had thanked him for his “constructive if tongue-in-cheek” email. Mr Charles said that Virgin was sorry the passenger had not liked the in-flight meals which he said was “award-winning food which is very popular on our Indian routes.”

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89735
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

    T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, was asked
    on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
    torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

    His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

    HIS STATEMENT:

    ‘If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner’s nuts to a car’s battery cables will save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,’

    ‘Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.’

  • #89743
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Nice one Jim. My sence of humour. 😆

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”
    “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
    “And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
    “I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
    “Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
    “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens ever day for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
    “Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
    “I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
    “At the circus,” says the barman.
    “The circus?” repeats the duck.
    “That’s right,” replies the barman.
    “The circus?” the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent?”
    “Yeah,” the barman replies.
    “With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
    “Of course,” the barman replies.
    “And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
    “That’s right!” says the barman.
    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

    .

    .

    .

    “What the f—k would they want with a plasterer??!”

  • #89756
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    These classifieds actually ran in newspapers – a smile for your day….
    >
    > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    > 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
    >
    > FREE PUPPIES:
    > 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
    >
    > FREE PUPPIES..
    > Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
    > Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
    >
    > FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    > Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
    >
    > COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    > Also 1 gay bull for sale.
    >
    > JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    > Must sell washer and dryer $300.
    >
    > WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
    > Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
    >
    > And the best one?:
    >
    > FOR SALE BY OWNER:
    > Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
    > $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
    > Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #89844
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    From Australia (KMart is a supermarket there.)

    A very large, loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two
    kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
    entrance.

    The door greeter says, ‘Good morning and welcome to Kmart, what nice
    children you’ve got there. Are they twins?’
    The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: ‘Of course they
    bloody aren’t. The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell
    would you think they’re twins?….. Do you really think they look alike,
    you dickhead?’
    ‘ Absolutely not,’ replies the greeter, ‘I just can’t believe anyone would
    shag you twice.

    Just Frank 8)

  • #90480
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Getting older………yes, we’re all doing it 🙁

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    ‘And what do you think is the best thing
    About being 104?’ the reporter asked.
    She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied.
    ‘Two years older than me’
    ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
    She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

    The nice thing about being senile is
    you can hide your own Easter eggs.

    I’ve sure gotten old!
    I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
    I’m half blind,
    Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    Take 40 different medications that
    Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia .
    Have poor circulation;
    Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver’s license.

    My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But
    By the time I got my leotard on, The class was over.

    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    It’s scary when you start making the same noises
    As your coffee maker.

    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    The eyesight to tell the difference.

    We’ll be friends
    until we are old and senile.
    Then, we’ll be
    NEW friends!
    (:lol:……I like this one)

    Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
    Always Remember This:
    You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
    You grow old because you stop laughing.

  • #90927
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    In this time of Economic difficulty with the credit crunch, the tips below could save ££££££££££££££££££££££££££££ !!!

    DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
    identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
    with your old bank statements.

    HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by
    simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to
    bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

    SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
    changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y,

    DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to
    the object you wish to view.

    AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.

    SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
    walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

    HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for
    the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
    other in your coat pocket.

    OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply
    cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

    SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
    The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
    drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head
    repeatedly on the wall.

    SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they
    will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

    OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside
    for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will
    really feel the benefit.

    WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
    chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

    MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
    Toffee.

    MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry
    on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

    SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

    WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less
    anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house
    afterwards

  • #90928
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Credit Crunch humour:

    * What’s the capital of Iceland? – About £3.50

    * How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday

    * Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon

    *What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.

    *As a surprise, a chief exec’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap.
    Without hesitation, he starts dictating:
    “. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

    What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
    The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

    *A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. ‘He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’ The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have you got so far?’ The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.’

    *The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’s been repossessed.

    *Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They’ve called in the retrievers.

    *What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can’t sell anything?
    A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

    *Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
    A Government spokesman said: ‘No one expected the Spanish acquisition.’

    You know it’s a credit crunch when…
    * The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
    * There’s a ‘buy one, get one free’ offer – on banks.
    * The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
    * Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb..
    * Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
    * Highgrove has been repossessed.
    * Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
    * Alistair Darling’s eyebrows have turned white.

    Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: ‘You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.’ Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: ‘Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.’ Gordon says: ‘Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.’
    The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: ‘I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.’

    Amen to that. 🙄

  • #90929
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    BRILLIANT Charlie!! 😆 😆 😆

  • #90932
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

    In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

    Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

    While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

    Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.”

  • #94010
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    1. Teaching Maths in 1970

    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

    What is his profit?

    2. Teaching Maths In 1980

    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

    His cost of production is 80% of the price.

    What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Maths In 1990

    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

    His cost of production is £80.

    How much was his profit?

    4. Teaching Maths In 2000

    A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

    His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

    Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    5. Teaching Maths In 2005

    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

    6. Teaching Maths In 2009

    A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on hi s land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

    Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

    7. Teaching Maths In 2010

    A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

    The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

    Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

    The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

    You do the maths.

  • #95347
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Tiger Wood’s car is still driveable but slowly. I heard it coming up the road: putt….putt…putt.

  • #95829
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THE BATHTUB TEST

    During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
    you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them a
    teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

    “Oh, I understand,” I said. “So a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

    “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug out.
    Do you want a bed near the window?”
    ………………………………………………………………………………………………

    ……am worried now because I also chose the bucket! 😆

  • #95830
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    First received this by text over a year ago, still laugh at it though………I also would have chosen a spoon! 😳 I meant bucket.
    We’re all mad to some degree, aren’t we?

  • #97333
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

    After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

    However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, ‘Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.’

    I had no Monet

    To buy Degas

    To make the Van Gogh.’

    I had De Gaulle to carry out this crime.

    Because I figured I had nothing Toulouse

  • #97501
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I know….. it’s not the weekend but it is a bit quiet in here at the moment so here goes.

    This is what happens when I switch on the computer while brewing the morning coffee. In other words looking at headlines before the brain has had it’s wake-up boost.

    This morning I quickly looked down the list of headlines on the Typically Spanish website. And I couldn’t believe it – “crikey” I thought, “half-price condominiums in Cataluña”?! Must be a desperate developer needing to rake in some cash, and surely may be a good investment if they’re commutable to Barcelona. Yes, a little pad at half-price could be a nice investment….so I clicked on the article:

    http://www.typicallyspanish.com/news/publish/article_25457.shtml

    🙁

  • #97502
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    😆 Lesson 1 Charlie. Get up, drink coffee…..THEN switch on PC !!

  • #97515
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    Hahahahaha! Oh that did make me laugh!!!

    😆

  • #97527
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant
  • #97535
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Amusing short:

  • #97576
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Dedicated to flosmichael – here’s hoping I can bring a smile to his face for the weekend. 😀

    A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

    ‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains
    and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

    ‘Do you know which ward she is in?’

    ‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’

    ‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’

    ‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’

    ‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree,
    I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

    ‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied
    and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’

    ‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy,
    thank you ever so much!’

    ‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’

    ‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here.

  • #97577
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    It made me laugh Charlie!! 😆 Hope Flo can raise a smile too 😉 😉

  • #97703
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This one is for the girls. 😉

    Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing Home when Grandpa Andy walked by.

    One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, ‘We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.’

    Old Andy said, ‘There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.’

    One of the old Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your trousers and underpants and we can tell your exact age.’

    Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, Grandpa Andy dropped his drawers.

    The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

    Then they all piped up and said, ‘You’re 87 years old!’

    Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the Grandpa Andy asked, ‘How in the world did you guess?’

    Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison – – –

    ‘We were at your birthday party yesterday!’

  • #97736
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    THIS ONE’S ABOUT A YOUNG BOY ASKING HIS FATHER ABOUT POLITICS. IT SHOULD BE OF A LEVEL THAT A FEW HERE WILL UNDERSTAND.
    A SMALL BOY ASKS HIS FATHER, WHAT IS POLITICS?.
    DAD SAYS, WELL SON LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT THIS WAY. I AM THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, SO CALL ME THE PRIME MINISTER.
    YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY, SO WE CALL HER THE GOVERNMENT.
    WE ARE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS, SO WE WILL CALL YOU THE PEOPLE.
    THE NANNY, WE WILL CONSIDER HER WORKING CLASS.
    AND YOUR BABY BROTHER WE WILL CALL THE FUTURE.
    NOW THINK ABOUT THAT AND SEE IF IT MAKES SENSE!
    SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES OFF TO BED THINKING ABOUT WHAT DAD HAS SAID.
    LATER THAT NIGHT, HE HEARS HIS BABY BROTHER CRYING, SO HE GETS UP TO CHECK ON HIM.
    HE FINDS THAT THE BABY HAS SEVERELY SOILED HIS NAPPY.
    SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES TO HIS PASRENT’S ROOM AND FINDS HIS MOTHER ASLEEP.
    NOT WANTING TO WAKE HER, HE GOES TO THE NANNY’S ROOM.
    FINDING THE DOOR LOCKED, HE PEEKS IN THE KEYHOLE AND SEE’S HIS DAD IN BED WITH THE NANNY.
    HE GIVES UP AND GOES BACK TO BED.
    THE NEXT MORNING, THE LITTLE BOY SAY’S TO HIS DAD, DAD, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF POLITICS NOW.
    THE FATHER SAYS, GOOD SON, TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT YOU THINK POLITICS IS ALL ABOUT.
    THE LITTLE BOY REPLIES,
    THE PRIME MINISTER IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS WHILE THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP. THE PEOPLE ARE BEING IGNORED AND THE FUTURE IS IN DEEP SHIT.!

  • #97783
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A man says to his wife “you are the double of cheryl cole”
    wife with a warm glow says “you really think so”
    “sure” says the husband “shes 8 stone and your f****** 16

  • #97785
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Dartboy,
    I suggest you apologize to my wife for that comment.

  • #97788
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @alanrthornton wrote:

    Dartboy,
    I suggest you apologize to my wife for that comment.

    i will have you know my wife is actually lovely at just a tad over 10 stone.i wouldn’t dare talk to her like that she might stop my monthly rights

  • #97789
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    you misunderstood i meant my wife lol

  • #97790
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @alanrthornton wrote:

    you misunderstood i meant my wife lol

    oops my bad

  • #97995
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I recommend all of you to see this film on the weekend. Have a nice weekend!

    The Informer (Matt Damon).

    Rising star at agri-industry giant Archer Daniels Midland (ADM), Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon) suddenly turns whistleblower. Even as he exposes his company’s multi-national price-fixing conspiracy to the FBI, Whitacre envisions himself being hailed as a hero of the common man and handed a promotion.

    But before all that can happen, the FBI needs evidence, so Whitacre eagerly agrees to wear a wire and carry a hidden tape recorder in his briefcase, imagining himself as a kind of de facto secret agent.

    Unfortunately for the FBI, their lead witness hasn’t been quite so forthcoming about helping himself to the corporate coffers. Whitacre’s ever-changing account frustrates the agents (Scott Bakula and Joel McHale) and threatens the case against ADM as it becomes almost impossible to decipher what is real and what is the product of Whitacre’s rambling imagination.

  • #98378
    Profile photo of Fuengi (Andrew)
    Fuengi (Andrew)
    Participant

    Sold a property last year
    120m2 + 40m2 on the seafront for for 270.000€.

    Just found it on the market with a another agency now for 399.000€ and amazingly the built size as increase by 40m2!

  • #98866
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

  • #98877
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Notice that Spain is #1 for robberies (but otherwise it’s quite funny)

  • #98893
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Should the UK adopt The Euro?

    A cross-section survey of 1,000 people in Bradford , made up of: Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

    99.9% said no, they were quite happy with the Giro.

  • #98903
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Surely that’s not a joke though! 😆

  • #98904
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    OH YES A VERY GOOD JOKE.

    WHAT MOST PEOPLE DONT REALISE ITS ON US BRITS

  • #98915
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

  • #98998
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The Anatomical Research Society of England is carrying out a research project and requests the co-operation of all British males in the age range 12 — 92. The project is studying the male population categorised according to the length of their penises. The categories being used are:
    6 inches and above
    2½ to 6 inches
    Those less than 2½ inches.

    The survey of the first two categories has already been completed but ARSE now requires help in facilitating the third category. Accordingly, over the next three weeks, all British males aged 12 — 92 with a penis length of 2½ inches or less are requested to prominently display on their houses and cars a white flag bearing a red cross.

    Thank you for your assistance.

  • #98999
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    As the World Cup approaches a few words of wisdom from some well known Footballing names.

    “I definitely want Brooklyn to be Christened though I dont know into what religion” David Beckham

    “The Belgians will play like their fellow Scandanavians, Denmark and Sweden” Andy Townsend

    “Argentina are the second best team in the world, theres no higher praise than that” Big Ron Atkinson

    “A game that has been controlled by Argentina has turned 360 degrees” Glenn Davis ESPN

    “I bet there are eight teams in the final sixteen who wont win the competition” Andy Gray

    “No regrets, none at all. My only regret is that we lost on penalties. That my only regret but no, no regrets” Mick McCarthy (enough said)

  • #99114
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Don’t be surprised if no Americans find their way to the WorldCup
    [attachment=0:3bb32shs]us-world-cup-controversy.jpg[/attachment:3bb32shs]

  • #99117
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant
  • #99227
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    A personal message to you from David Cameron

    The UK is in DEEP trouble…

    The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

    32 million are retired.
    That leaves 28 million to do the work..
    There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
    Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
    Leaving 3 million to do the work.

    1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

    Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
    At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

    Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And there you are,
    Sitting on your arse……..

    ………at your computer, reading silly jokes.
    Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

  • #99306
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    British taxpayer’s paying £millions to be told about the virtue of the chip!

    This really isn’t funny at all, but the Labour Government must have certainly been ‘having a laugh’ at taxpayers’ expense.

    According to The Telegraph around 600 Government’s websites will be closed saving £100million, which means scrapping three quarters of the Government’s 820 websites.

    A report from the Central Office for Information, published today, found that £94 million was spent on the construction and set up and running costs of just 46 sites alone with the additional staff cost of £32 million per year. Imagine the staff costs to be saved on the other 554 websites!

    Quote: “Whitehall sources were reluctant to name which sites will close although one suggested that http://www.lovechips.co.uk – a website run by the marketing department of the Potato Council – would be unlikely to survive the cull”. The Potato Council incidentally is a division of the Agriculture & Horticulture Development Board.

    You have to see this pathetic website. A prime example of ‘if it wasn’t so (expensively) serious, it would be funny’.
    No wonder UK is broke
    🙁

    ……in my view, the Labour Party should never see daylight again.

  • #99307
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    I had to laugh when it was reported on the news yesterday that The New Gov’t Coalition Is sending out 6 million letters to Public Sector employees asking them for ideas of ‘how to save money’?

    How about not sending those letters costing ssay 25p each postage, similar for paper and envelope, and 50p each for admin etc.

    Result a saving of £6 million very needed quids.

    Then there is the £2.3 million bonus payment being paid to Network Rail bosses, what for I hear you ask? Because more trains were run on time.

    I thought trains were supposed to run on time anyway, you get a bonus if they do now.

    It bloody beggars belief 😡

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry : 😆 😥

    The coalition is already losing the plot it seems!

  • #99311
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
    ______________________________

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
    _____________________________

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
    ____________________________

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    _____________________________

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
    ______________________________

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
    ______________________________

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
    _____________________________

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    ____________________________

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • #99445
    Profile photo of Melosine
    Melosine
    Participant

    Can you cry under water?
    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
    Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
    Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
    What disease did cured ham actually have?
    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
    Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
    Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
    Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
    If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
    Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
    Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
    Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  • #99449
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    OXO are to release a new cube,it is to be white with a red cross on it and it is to be called The laughing stock.

    WEATHER WARNING FOR NORTH OF ENGLAND
    heavy flooding expected because of everyone in scotland pissing themselves laughing at our teams performance

  • #100361
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    If you’ve never seeen it, watch “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z | Alicia Keys [OFFICIAL VIDEO]
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UjsXo9l6I8

    Then, to much amusement, watch Newport song (Empire state of mind)parody
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3hsvi6iCns

  • #100363
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Howsabout these non-rapping gentler versions Mark?!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iv1u3iOH_JY [Alicia Keys]

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfGGctCqGok [Lady V parody]

  • #100364
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Cheap flights for 50p?

    Be warned!

  • #100367
    Profile photo of Chris McCarthy
    Chris McCarthy
    Participant

    @charlie wrote:

    Cheap flights for 50p?

    Be warned!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc

    Aye, they paid the feckin fee…! Very feckin funny!

    And they reckon YouTube is also for free, and it maybe… but how on earth does it know to put up adverts during the video advertising properties for sale in Sotogrande?

    How does YouTube know that I may be interested in Spanish property?

  • #100368
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    It’s those pesky lil’ marketing men inside your computer, I tell yer Chris. They’re everyfeckinwhere and know everything.

    I often get Greek ad. pop-ups, now how the feck do they know I’m in Greece??? 😯
    It’s a wonder, so it is.

  • #100537
    Profile photo of Inez
    Inez
    Participant

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
    He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.

    “Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
    The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant.”I mean, what in the world is this?”

    The bank manager looks back at her and says.”It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

    Yes; ‘Oh Dear’! BOOM BOOM!! 😆

  • #100544
    Profile photo of Fuengi (Andrew)
    Fuengi (Andrew)
    Participant

    @charlie wrote:

    It’s those pesky lil’ marketing men inside your computer, I tell yer Chris. They’re everyfeckinwhere and know everything.

    I often get Greek ad. pop-ups, now how the feck do they know I’m in Greece??? 😯
    It’s a wonder, so it is.

    IP address, spyware, cookies, etc…

  • #100552
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Man in bar to woman: “would you sleep with me for a hundred thousand pounds?”
    She thinks about for some time, on balance it sounds a good deal: He looks okay, and it will pay off the mortgage.
    “Yes”, she says.
    He then says, “will you do it for a tenner?”
    “Certainly not,” she replies, “what type of girl do you think I am?”
    “We’ve already established that”, he says, “we are just haggling over the price.”

  • #100553
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    STICK TO WHAT YOUR GOOD AT MARK ITS NOT HUMOUR THOUGH.

  • #100562
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    @alanrthornton wrote:

    STICK TO WHAT YOUR GOOD AT MARK ITS NOT HUMOUR THOUGH.

    I guess that makes two of us then.

    Please stop typing everything in CAPS. Read this to learn when to use caps:
    http://www.informatics.sussex.ac.uk/department/docs/punctuation/node27.html

  • #100568
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I’LL TRY LOL

  • #100573
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Capitals are good though for emphasis….if not over-used. 🙄

    For example, an extract from Mark’s link:
    “The use of unnecessary capital letters when you’re trying to be serious can quickly make your prose look idiotic.”

    And with capitals:
    “The use of unnecessary capital letters when you’re trying to be serious can quickly make your prose look IDIOTIC”.

    In this case, I prefer the one with capitals.

  • #100581
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    SO I,M RIGHT
    😆

  • #100582
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hello, sweetness and light. I’ll try again and see if you get the point this time.

    Capitals are good though for emphasis….if not over-used.

    OK? So hold that thought.

    I then wrote:
    The use of unnecessary capital letters when you’re trying to be serious can quickly make your prose look IDIOTIC.

    Get it now?
    Oh dear, I fear this is all too subtle for you Alan. 🙁
    Either that or your brain has become disconnected. Try hanging up and re-dialling.

  • #100760
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    This was seen next to all the other adverts displayed in a doctor’s surgery

    If the light switch gets stuck on the ‘on’ position, they can always call an erectrician. 💡

  • #100961
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    You need Spanish to get this one; making fun of Zapatero and his detachment from reality.

  • #100971
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    The best I can do of a poor joke.

    What’s the richest country in the world?

    Answer: Ireland

    Why, you might ask?

    Because it’s Capital is always Dublin!!

  • #100972
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I like the “……in 5 seconds” previews of films, posted by youtube nutters.

    The Titanic in 5 seconds
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXh4xf49hYk&feature=related

    Especially liked this one, now I understand what the films are all about!
    The Matrix in 5 seconds

  • #100982
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    I hereby rename Goldman Sachs

    Goldmine Sucks 😆

    They started this excessive Banking bonus thing 8-9 years ago but the regulators failed to see what many of us could 😉

  • #101032
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    David returning to Italy

    A bit of cultural news for a welcome change.

    [attachment=1:31n3gyh9]michelangelos-david-thin.jpg[/attachment:31n3gyh9]
    After a two year loan to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is being returned to Italy.

    [attachment=0:31n3gyh9]michelangelos-david-fat.jpg[/attachment:31n3gyh9]
    His Proud Sponsors were: McDonalds, KFC, Starbucks

  • #101033
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Why, do you think it was returned !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • #101433
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

    The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.

    Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation.

  • #101435
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    You want some humour, something to really make you laugh?

    How about Zapatero and his farce of a Spanish Gov’t which cannot, or, will not do anything about their corrupt property industry?:lol:

  • #101437
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    So what are you really trying to say Angie – you’re “miffed”, “peeved”, “irritated” or “a bit cross”? 🙁

    Or are you more like the Scots! 😉

  • #101445
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    All of those charlie, and more 😡

    I’d like to form a new Gov’t in Spain, would you be Finance Minister please, fluent Spanish language not needed, we’re in the EU so we can work anywhere? 😆

  • #101564
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    If like me you own a cat, you can probably relate to this….

  • #101782
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    HEALTH & SAFETY AND EQUALITY CONSIDERATIONS FOR CHRISTMAS

    The Rocking Song
    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O’er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    While Shepherds Watched
    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around

    The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around s /he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

    Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, it will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

    Little Donkey
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
    Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
    The donkey has expressed being offended at being labeled ‘little’. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

    We Three Kings
    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.

    Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed
    This is definitely one for Social Services.

  • #111592
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    Anonymous
    Participant

    Been a long time since this thread got any attention….

    http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/5852

  • #111599
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Indeed. Mark with so much doom & gloom people have lost their sense of humour. Trust the Irish to provide a laugh.

  • #113295
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    angie
    Spectator

    Cement production is at it’s lowest in Spain now for 50 years due to reduction in spending on Public Sector Works and the house building sector now at a standstill, that’s a bit ‘hard to take’ 😆

  • #113767
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    angie
    Spectator

    A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing what they would want people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in their coffins.

    The Catholic Priest says ‘I would like someone to say ‘He was a righteous man, an honest man and very generous’

    The Protestant Minister says ‘I would like someone to say ‘He was very kind and fair, and very good to his Parishioners’

    The Rabbi says ‘ I would like someone to say ‘Look he’s moving’ 😆

  • #114428
    Profile photo of angie
    angie
    Spectator

    Some of us think Spain is in Poo, but did any of you know that Poo is in Spain, yes really? There’s a place called Poo in Asturias with it’s very own Poo Beach which in fact is perfectly clean to lie on? Comes with hotels in Poo too 😆

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